I’m not ashamed to admit that I have no fashion sense what-so-ever. I mean, I liked Bjork’s swan dress (though the Bjork swan dress furry slash fiction put me off doing Google searches for pretty much the rest of my…

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I’m not ashamed to admit that I have no fashion sense what-so-ever. I mean, I liked Bjork’s swan dress (though the Bjork swan dress furry slash fiction put me off doing Google searches for pretty much the rest of my life).

That said, I’ve been writing a lot about music lately and I’ve discovered that there are four basic fabrics used in making costumes for bands.

1) Leather

I should specificy “leather and products that simulate leather,” since many rock stars try to be animal friendly.

I’ve always wondered what the attraction of leather is. Its not something that’s especially comfortable to wear (unless, I suppose, you’re in someplace especially cold). I’ve asked my leather wearing friends why they wear it.

“For safety.”

Presumably, they mean while riding on their “hogs,” as motorcycle enthusiasts say. You know, when I go into an area with high radioactivity, I put on one of those shiny metal suits. I don’t continue to wear that suit after I leave the area. Wearing one’s “safety” jacket when one is no longer in any danger seems silly.

I suppose rock and roll is so dangerous that one needs to wear one’s leather clothes at all time.

2) Lace

Specifically puffy lace. Lace looks great on antique dining tables, but it seems sort of functionally useless on clothes. Big floppy swaths of lace are more likely to get caught in the string of your bass than not.

Furthermore, it make artist wearing lace look sort of delicate and antique like. I guess that’s the point?

3) Vinyl

I could undrstand this when records were still pressed on vinyl. It was sort of a way of reminding people “buy our albums - which are pressed from the same material we are wearing.”

I suppose now that digital media are all the rage, nudity would serve the same function, though I think dangling flesh is as likely to get caught in the strings of your bass as lace.

Anyhow, vinyl is suppossed to be “sexy.” Presumably because it feels smooth and doesn’t sweat. Maybe because it feels like you have a condom all over your body and condoms, of course, equal sex.

When I see somebody all dressed in tight vinyl, the first thing I think of is the noise that it must make when they peel it off their sweaty - likely stinky - body. It would sound like “swthhhhp.” Sometimes, when I listen to the music of somebody wearing all vinyl, I spend time trying to lister for that sound sampled and repeated in the background music. I swear, that sound is there.

4) Black Stuff

I refer to the color black.

Black is slimming, but also makes people think of death and ninjas, both of which are “cool” images for fans of rock.

Also, black is pretty good at hiding spills or sweat. Its lousy at hiding dandruff, though, and historically, rock musicians are notorious for being dirty so I’m guessing that might be a problem for more than one.

Anyhow, this update is presented as a public service.

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All right, here’s the thing, I didn’t like most of Michael Jackson’s music. Off The Wall and Thriller came out when I was in Middle School and High School and his music was ubiquitous. I liked different kinds of music but was pretty…

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All right, here’s the thing, I didn’t like most of Michael Jackson’s music. Off The Wall and Thriller came out when I was in Middle School and High School and his music was ubiquitous. I liked different kinds of music but was pretty turned off by Jackson’s brand of pop.

With this in mind, I present to you the ten songs by Michael Jackson that annoyed me the most, with links to accompanying video.

10. “Somebody’s Watching Me” by Rockwell

Oh, sure, not technically a Michael Jackson song, but c’mon. The only reason this was a hit was because Jackson was singing on it and he was the most popular artist in the world. It combines the storyline of “Who Can It Be Now” by Men At Work (minus the wit) with Thriller style backing vocals.

Watch It Here

9. The Girl Is Mine by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney

Later, Jackson would purchase the publishing rights to The Beatles songs and piss off Sir Paul, but in 1982 they were best buds. This song earns a special place of hatred in my blackened, shriveled heart for use of the word “doggone.”

No, really, this was a huge hit.

8. Human Nature

This song made me want to puncture my own ears drums when it was getting constant airplay. The cloying “why… why…” sequences are particularly unpleasant. That said, in this live video of the song, Jackson dances. I can forgive him even this song. I confess, though I didn’t care for much of his music, he was one of the greatest jazz dancers of our lifetimes.

7. Rock With You

All right, there’s many people who love this song, but it makes it on my list for one very vital reason. If you’re going to use the word “rock” in your song title, your song had better rock. Unless the song is called something like “I’m going to throw a rock at your head” or something. Yes, yes, the history of “rock and roll” suggests that “rock” was a euphemism for “fuck,” but that doesn’t make this song any more paltable.

Rock with him

6. She’s Out Of My Life

Urgh. Argh. Retch. Gag.

Puke

5. Wanna Be Startin’ Something

This was sort of the practice song for “Bad,” which is a song I rather like. It earns a place on this list for its earworm hook - “Mama say mamasa bu mambusan” or whatever he sings. I would be walking around, minding my own business and those words would start coming out of my mouth. Even now, I am singing it to myself and considering smashing my mouth with a ball peen hammer to make it stop.

I don’t want to be starting something

4. P.Y.T.

I contend that this song was only a hit because Jackson had momentum on his side by the time they released it. There were probably a thousand songs that deserved a thousand times more attention than this one. However, in my mind, the success of this song suggests that Michael Jackson really deserved the King of Pop label. He could poop on a piece of vinyl in 1982 and 1983 and it would have been a hit.

At your peril

3. Farewell My Summer Love

Another song released solely to capitalize on his momentum, this preposterous slab of pop lard should never have been heard by anyone. In a fair and just universe, it would have remained sealed up in a vault where it couldn’t hurt anybody.

A Pandora’s Box of Awful

2. In The Closet

Jackson had a number of “what the hell was he thinking” moments in his career. Specifically, what the hell was he thinking using the single best known euphemism for being homosexual but not telling anyone as a title for a song about heterosexual love. Unless, I suppose, he really was saying “I’m gay, but I’m going to pull a reverse double blind bluff and trick you into thinking I’m just dumb as a box of hammers.”

Out of the closet

1. We Are The World by USA for Africa

I appreciate the sentiment, really I do. I donated to Live Aid. I bought the equally dreadful “Do The Know Its Christmas” (which is a much more offensive song, since Ethiopia is mostly Muslim). I even considered buying the single just to help out, but let’s be honest. The song is dreadful and never would have been a hit if it hadn’t been a charity single. The only redeeming featuring is Cyndi Lauper going nuts on her solo. This song should be banned from ever being played again and replaced with the far superior “Sun City” by Artists United Against Aparthaid. Even though Aparthaid is pretty much over in South Africa, that song kicks some serious ass.

We are the children

Now, there are a number of Michael Jackson songs I rather like. As a recovering Van Halen fan, I still enjoy “Beat It.” I also rather like “Bad,” “Billy Jean,” “Thriller,” “Scream,” “Smooth Criminal,” “Leave Me Alone” and pretty much everything he touched before 1978. In fact, I would say that he recorded more songs that I like than that I disliked.

The ones I disliked though actually had much more of an impact on me, so hats off to you, Mr. Jackson, for making an indelible impression on my life.

Mama say mamasa bu mamambusan.

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This piece was supposed to appear on my website. Unfortunately, the site has been delayed indefinitely while we re-examine things. Enjoy.

What the Fuck is Wrong with Me?
by
Rollo S. Gigante

I don’t know what it is that’s wrong with me, I just…

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This piece was supposed to appear on my website. Unfortunately, the site has been delayed indefinitely while we re-examine things. Enjoy.

What the Fuck is Wrong with Me?
by
Rollo S. Gigante

I don’t know what it is that’s wrong with me, I just know that I’m not right. I suspect that it has to do with the fact that I started watching porn at an early age. I mean a real early age; like 10. I’m 31 now, so I’ve had 21 years of threesomes, midgets, donkey shows, anal, chicks with dicks, S&M and bukkake flashing before my very eyes. Actually, now that I think of it, I was probably 8 or 9 when I stumbled upon my dad’s very secret magazine stash. And by very secret, I mean I’m pretty sure we both could have gone to jail if anyone else found some of this shit. Anyway, it was around the age of 10 that I discovered videos (aka: talking pictures). I believe it was called “Debbie Does ‘Em All. Man that was sweet, especially scene 7, but I digress. It was after that point that I became obsessed with searching the house for any kind of contraband video, magazine, picture or recording of any kind that would lead to confusion about how my body felt afterwards. As a matter of fact, I remember a time when I was about 11, I found myself masturbating to a video I had found of well dressed women singing disco covers at a local club. The problem was that these weren’t women, but in fact, drag queens. I’m pretty sure that incident opened up a Pandora’s box of new issues. Not that I’m gay, but I can only assume that an 11 year old whacking off to someone that looks like Rupaul singing Dancing Queen can only lead to issues down the road after discovering that Rupaul does in fact have a penis.

When I was 12, I entered the 7th grade. Shortly thereafter, one of my uncles died suddenly. Now, he wasn’t a close uncle, but a relative nontheless. He was around my father’s age at the time. So as a 12 year old, I could only equate him with my dad; the same age, bloodline, etc. I don’t know much about medicine, however I knew enough to know that certain things are hereditary. So at this point I became obsessed with dying. I could only deduce that since my uncle was close in age to my father and died suddenly, that my father would then also die suddenly, and whatever mystery ailment these bastards had in their blood would surely be passed on to me. So picture this, I’m 12 years old, starting in a new school with new people, a lot of my friends were gone, my uncle was dead and I was pretty sure my dad was his way out too. I was laying in bed one night, and started to feel strange. I was convinced that this was it. Here it comes, the mystery death bug was coming to get me. What could it possibly be? I racked my brain for an answer and came up with the most logical ailment: Lou Gehrig’s Disease. That has to be it. I was convinced that I had Lou Gehrig’s disease. I don’t even KNOW that symptom’s of Lou Gehrig’s disease, I just knew that I had it. I knew that when I went to take my physical for Jr. High, something was going to alarm the doctor and I’d be sent off for all kinds of extra and special tests and they would sit me down and break the news to me; “son, you have Lou Gehrig’s disease and by extension, 6 months to live.”. What a way to start the prime years of my life.

I spent my early adult years (from 18-24) just sort of awkwardly floating through life. I was more or less alone, save for a couple close friends. I still lived with my dad, but it was almost like I didn’t. We didn’t talk very much through those years. I certainly didn’t have a girlfriend through that time either. When you go through most of your adolescence as a black sheep at school, and enter your adult years as a black sheep in your family, you don’t develop the best social skills. I would meet girls from time to time, and we’d go on dates and whatnot. However, because I had no social skills, I would be nervous as fuck. And after I turned 21, a more sinister vice began to make an appearance; I could now order drinks with dinner. So what did I do when I got nervous? I got as drunk as humanly possible. And that would have been fine had we been out at a club or meeting for drinks at a bar. But when you show up tanked for a Saturday afternoon matinee it sends bad signals to her about both yourself and her. If just getting wasted was the extent of the problem, it wouldn’t be so bad. Unfortunately, I’m the kind of guy that gets real chatty and “grabby” when I’m drunk. That lead to incidents that involved me blathering on about what a failure I am as a human being one minute and three seconds later trying to put my hands on their tits. After a while I developed a reputation for being both depressing and gross at the same time.

So the snapshot I’ve given up until around the age of 24 is this: a porn freak that’s obsessed with his own death, has no idea how to act around other people, and a borderline alcoholic. It really goes without saying that I was a fucking mess. It was around this time that I decided that come hell or high water, I needed to get myself a better half. I figured that if I could find someone to be with, maybe I could learn to not be such a bull in a china shop. I tried meeting people in bars, but I ran into that same problem of getting depressed and grabby when I had too much to drink. This of course led to quite a few drinks thrown in my face and even one time, being pepper sprayed for just saying ‘Hello’. At this point, it was obvious to me that face to face meetings were not my strong suit. They say that prayer is the last refuge of a scoundrel. Well, I don’t like to pray, so I turned to the real last refuge of scoundrels; the Internet. Match.com, date.com, yahoo, you name it. If you could post a profile to meet people, I was there. And this time, I didn’t listen to the devil on my shoulder, and I posted there as the most real me that I could. I went against my instinct to lie and use names like “Hungstud6969” or “MrAllNightLong” or “SirLicksAlot”. My thought being that eventually I may meet some of these people, and well, I wouldn’t want to be branded a liar. I did eventually meet someone through one of my profiles. I can’t remember which one and I certainly don’t remember how it was we built any kind of legitimate rapport. We were supposed to meet for drinks at a local restaurant, but we ended up sitting on a bench outside of the restaurant chatting for about an hour or so. It was good to get that monkey off my back. I can look back now and say that at the age of 24, that it was more or less my 1st legitimate interaction with a member of the opposite sex. Scary huh? I can honestly say that I’m thankful for it because I set out with the goal to meet someone, and I followed through. It’s also one of the few times that I set a goal and followed through. One of the reasons I’m thankful is that I still talk to this person today. And as strange as it sounds, it may be one of the most normal relationships that I have, currently.

A lot has happened since that encounter on the bench outside of that local restaurant. After her & I met and ultimately ended up not together, I became inspired to straighten myself out. I took from that relationship the ability to be less socially retarded. Shortly thereafter, I started lifting weights to improve myself physically. Later that year, I found someone that would eventually become my wife. Earlier this year, she then became my soon to be ex-wife. Yes we met through the internet as well, proving my friends theory that meeting through the ‘net always ends in tears. Unfortunately, I can’t get too into my marriage and subsequent divorce in this column. But someday soon..

As I write this column here tonight I am 31 years old, my wife left me sometime this past summer, I had been arrested 3 times in 2008, I currently don’t have a car and work in retail; an industry I swore I’d never go back to. It’s pretty safe to say that I’m that same fucking mess that I was when I was 24 and afraid to die. I’m still a borderline alcoholic, but I haven’t had a drink since November. I can feel good things coming though, sort of like when I met a girl on a bench one night. I feel as if I’m about to find a moment of inspiration to drag myself off the ground again. I’ll be honest, having my wife leave me fucking hurt like hell; way more than I let on. And I’ve never really confessed this until now but it really had me reeling for months. I think I’m getting past it. The key is going to be not letting the demons I’ve spoken of in this column, and others, consume me again. That’s another issue that’s always haunted me. No matter how well I get things going, those god damned demons are always just ½ a step behind me and every once in a while, one of them catches me. It’s always been this way.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Rollo and I’ve got some scary things running through my head.

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There’s this boat, probably a coast guard boat. We’re in the control room. We see what looks like a pirate ship coming up from the distance. Clearly, one of the sailors sees it, too, because he’s dropping hints like mad…

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There’s this boat, probably a coast guard boat. We’re in the control room. We see what looks like a pirate ship coming up from the distance. Clearly, one of the sailors sees it, too, because he’s dropping hints like mad to his commanding officer that there’s a pirate ship filled with flesh eating pirate zombies approaching.

Why doesn’t he just come out and say “holy shit flesh eating pirate zombies are boarding our ship”? Because the rules of behavior are different in dream world.

Anyhow, the zombies get on board the ship and promptly pull the commanding officer and his companion into the water. We see one of the zombies eating through the back of the commanding officer’s head like it is a watermelon - he’s eaten so much of the head that all that’s left is the scalp and the commanding officer’s shocked expression.

Several of the zombies have extra eyes or limbs. Apparently, when they eat part of a human body, they grow that part. When they eat a brain, they get some of the information from that brain, but since chewing is involved, they end up destroying a lot of information. The zombies are trying to figure out a way to alter their jaws so they can swallow a brain whole, thus getting all the information from that brain.

Cut to a compound somewhere. This is a compound that has been specifically designed to open fire on approaching zombies automatically.

We get a tour of the compound and its explained that the weapons systems are powered by a very poorly designed power grid. Both the tour guide and the man who designed the power grid openly admit that its really poorly designed. What’s worse, to get to the grid, you have to climb this rickety old ladder. Oh, and Joanne the zombie is loose in the grid. She died while working on something up there and immediately came back. Going up to work on the grid is a high risk affair!

The people in the compound are having a big public meeting tonight. The leader is this soldier that looks like Denzel Washington. He is upset because a family had a member who was on death’s door and this wasn’t reported. See, when somebody dies, they immediately come back as a zombie.

The problem isn’t that they eat the people when they come back. The problem is that the zombies are actually powered by a creature that is a little like a ghostly version of a hermit crab. Basically, these creatures wear the bodies like suits. They don’t have to attack if they don’t want to. Indeed, they can leave one body, wait for somebody in the compound to die, take over that body and go undetected until the body starts to rot, wreaking damage to the power grid and weapon’s system.

I don’t know why Joanne the zombie isn’t wreaking havok in the power grid, but she’s not at this point.

Anyhow, the hermit crab creatures can jump from body to body, but also control multple bodies at the same time.

And one of them has finally figured out how to swallow a whole head. After trial and error, which involved biting off heads and throwing them up, he’s finally managed to swallow the whole head of this y0ung boy - maybe 12.

But now the Zombies have a problem. When they eat the head, not only do they get all the information in the head, they get taken over by the personality of the person whose head they’ve swallowed. So now one of the most powerful hermit crab creatures is totally being mentally dominated by the personality of the 12 year old boy.

While the meeting is happening, Joanne gets the power grid turned off, so the engineer goes up to fight her! Zombies invade! The 12 year old makes all the zombies his host controls attack the other zombies!

And then I woke up. Well, I was woken up. Apparently, I was making zombie noises.

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In the first part of this series I did everything I could to convince you not to buy World of Warcraft, if only because you shouldn’t have to take out a second mortgage on your mom’s basement to play a…

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In the first part of this series I did everything I could to convince you not to buy World of Warcraft, if only because you shouldn’t have to take out a second mortgage on your mom’s basement to play a stupid video game.

Some of you have chosen not to heed my advice, and you’ve picked up your copy anyway. Way to go, genius. I hope you didn’t think I was joking, because now that you’ve bought the game it’s time to install it — which includes paying for it a few more times.

Installing the Motherfucker

First, make sure you have something to busy yourself with throughout this process. Like a good book to read, or a pile of socks to roll in. You should put on a pot of coffee while you’re at it, because you’re going to be up all night responding to prompts and entering credit card numbers.

It took me 15 hours to install World of Warcraft, and many would consider that fast.

The game itself is about 12 Gigabytes. I installed it from a CD, so this didn’t take any longer than you would expect from a game of that size (about an hour for my aging machine). Most people download it from Blizzard’s website though, which is obviously going to take quite a bit longer.

Either way, once you have the entire world of Azeroth sitting on your hard drive, the updater will launch. This is where you are introduced to the feeling of constant disappointment that all WoW fans share, and realize that you’re not actually going to start playing for a few days. It doesn’t matter how you obtained the game, it will be the version they first released back in 2004, and now the updater will get to work on downloading and installing every patch for the game — some of which are over a Gig in size by themselves. If you’re lucky this will be over by sunrise.

While this is going on you should find another computer and use it to go to Blizzard’s website and finish buying the game. You’ll need to register an account and set up your subscription, choosing how much time you want to buy in advance. When that’s done you’ll want to buy the Burning Crusade account upgrade (for the price of the full retail game) and do the same for Wrath of the Lich King (slightly more expensive).

With your bank account drained and your hard drive filled, you’re late for work. When you get home you’ll be dead tired from staying up all night, so you’ll go straight to bed. Perhaps you’ll start playing this game next weekend.

And perhaps we’ll actually run the program in the third part of this series: Creating a Shitty Character.

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Apparently, as a Sagittarius, I need to have games in my life. Also, like most Sagittarius, I don’t believe in Astrology. Anyhow, my “star sign” is a convenient excuse to play games at every conceivable opportunity. I have three games…

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Apparently, as a Sagittarius, I need to have games in my life. Also, like most Sagittarius, I don’t believe in Astrology. Anyhow, my “star sign” is a convenient excuse to play games at every conceivable opportunity. I have three games of choice right now on three different “platforms.”

On my cell phone, a Verizon LG, I am currently playing a six month long (so far) game of Bookworm. The game has been able to last six months because I only play it when I’m on the toilet and because I usually only take one or two turns per bathroom visit. I’m on something like level 178 and my strategy is to simply do everything in my power not to die. I don’t care about a high score, or about spelling great words. I just want to not die. With that strategy in mind, the game is surprisingly easy.

On my Nintendo DS, my current game is Puzzle Quest. I went into it thinking “this is probably a stupid game.” My opinion hasn’t changed that much, but now I think “this is a stupid game that I am totally addicted to.” Its sort of like playing bejeweled against an opponent, assuming that opponent is a Ogre Mage or what have you. My wife had originally purchased the game for herself and suggested I play it. I figured I’d humor her and now, six weeks later, she’s wishing she hadn’t suggested I play it. This is my “before I go to sleep” game.

I also have time for one online game. Well, two, but one doesn’t count.

What I like in an online game right now is something where I can sign in, perform two or three simple actions to see my statistics improve, and then not play it for another day. Right now, the game that fits that description for me is eRepublik. I don’t think anyone would mistake it for a complex game. At the moment, all I need to do is log on, work, train, buy food and log off. Occasionally, I buy weapons and fight twice then heal. The battle system is awesome since you can only attack but never be attacked. Thus, I only take damage when I want to. Ahhhhh.

I also play Cute Catz on Facebook, but I’m not proud of this. Sometimes, though, I imagine that it would be funny to form a Cute Catz “guild,” which would be as pointless an endeavor as ever existed.

The best thing about all of these games for me is that none of them currently require me to be social. I like to play games, but I’m a reclusive gamer at the moment.

Unless we’re starting an Uniball league again, in which case I’m totally there.

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We haven’t addressed vital poop related subjects in a while, so I figure its time for a new entry on this classic topic.

A combination of stress and exceptionally warm weather has led to me being constipated for the first time…

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We haven’t addressed vital poop related subjects in a while, so I figure its time for a new entry on this classic topic.

A combination of stress and exceptionally warm weather has led to me being constipated for the first time in my life. For reasons of its own, my colon has declared a embargo on the toilet.

The rest of my internal organs have objected to this. The intestines in particular are of the belief that they are a “no loitering” zone and get rather angry when former food matter is forced to wait in line. From my perspective, it feels like the jack booted thugs of my small intestine are constantly laying smackdowns on the hapless future poop.

My stomach is also concerned about this. In order to address the situation, it is trying to create a gas build up. Presumably, it is planning on lighting a match and blasting the blockage through the tunnel. It hasn’t yet realized that it doesn’t have any matches and, at any rate, the environment is too moist for successful match ignition.

Most of the gas ends up exiting through my mouth. Now, I’ve never been much of a burper. Oh, sure, in middle school I learned to belch the alphabet like all normal 12 year olds, but, as an adult, I almost never burp. The past few days, I have been producing burps that would make Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds envious.

Frankly, its not as if the gas has anywhere else to go at the moment.

Having not experienced constipation before, I always thought it was a rather droll and amusing malady. Now that I’ve experienced it first hand, I now realize its a droll, amusic and exceptionally painful malady. Not only that, but it is robbing me of one of life’s most basic pleasures - anxiety free bathroom visits.

I’ve had a number of solutions offered, mostly involving higher fiber intake. One Facebook friend suggests I eat a wicker basket (with a glass of water). Another friend has suggested I look into the rather terrifying prospect of “ass spelunking.” I don’t even want to google that for fear that I’ll end up with a list of German enema fetish sites.

For now, I spend about five minutes every hour heading to the toilet, hoping that something will happen and remembering what George Harrison once said: all things must pass.

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Lost in the current “OMG STOLEN IRANIAN ELECTION” tweet noise was this interesting little article about how an independent entity polled Iran before the elections and determined that Iranian President Ahmadinejad was likely to win. Not only that, but the margin…

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Lost in the current “OMG STOLEN IRANIAN ELECTION” tweet noise was this interesting little article about how an independent entity polled Iran before the elections and determined that Iranian President Ahmadinejad was likely to win. Not only that, but the margin of victory predicted for Ahmadinejad was more or less the same as the actual final numbers.

I can’t speak for what the news coverage of the current situation in Iran is like in Canada, but here in the United States of America its all “election stolen, protesters take to the street.” The evidence, at least as its been currently presented, suggests that its possible that the election was stolen. However, its far from a proven thing.

Its easy for us to sympathize with the protesters, since they are protesting in favor of a more moderate leader, but sometimes, in elections, the person we like elss wins. A similar thing happened in Palestine. They got Democracy and immediately elected Hamas.

In fact, this is the big weakness in this whole “let’s spread democracy around” thing. We’ve already learned that its easy to make people so angry that they’ll vote against their own best interests. In the USA, the poor and disenfranchised have sort of traditionally voted for the Republicans, who are the very people who are keeping them poor and disenfranchised.

People don’t really understand how government works. They don’t recognize basic things like lower taxes = less servives, for example. Sometimes they don’t recognize stuff like war = dead people. Since people don’t understand that, you have to give them stuff they do understand, like “do you hate the people who TRY TO TAKE YOUR MONEY HURF DURF.”

Like all good conversatives, Ahmadinejad of Iran ran largely on a “hey, poor people, don’t you hate those rich, liberal elites who have made you poor and also Americans and Jews” platform. Subtract the “Americans” part and you have the conservative platform for most countries in the world. Its a traditionally successful election technique, hating on the educated and the Jews. Its worked for hundreds and hundreds of years.

Now, mind you, I’m not saying that all Conservatives hate Jews and education. I think they love sending their kids to good colleges - provided they don’t learn too much. I also think they don’t personally hate Jews, they just capitalize on anti-Semitism to get elected. IMPORTANT DISTINCTIONS.

That’s our political commentary this week. Largely ill-informed and based on shakey and cherry-picked evidence - just like all political commentary everywhere.

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As you’ve probably noticed if you’re a regular around here, I’ve been busy lately with that World of Warcraft game that everybody was talking about a few years ago. I may be late to the party, but I’m making up…

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As you’ve probably noticed if you’re a regular around here, I’ve been busy lately with that World of Warcraft game that everybody was talking about a few years ago. I may be late to the party, but I’m making up for it as fast as I can by playing every race and class in the game simultaneously. And I may be serious about that.

This is entirely the fault of my girlfriend, Kimber, who came home one night and announced that we were going to invest in becoming WoW nerds. Simple as that. I had absolutely no intention of ever doing this to myself, but had it inflicted upon me by one whom I trust completely. Or should I say, trusted.

In this series of posts I will be exploring World of Warcraft from the perspective of a total noob, and we will begin with the logical starting point for all new players.

Buying the Fucking Game

If you’re a seasoned veteran of consumerism this may sound simple enough, but in fact you’ll find that they have gone to lengths to make this as difficult and painful a process as possible.

Buying the game isn’t enough. You will also need a subscription in order to play, which is paid monthly. This costs $14.99 (USD), and that’s probably enough to dissuade most people from playing right there. I was one such stubborn holdout once, before Kimber brought this curse upon us both.

You might think the subscription would be worth it, and that it implies a dynamic world with all kinds of new shit being added regularly. You might think a subscription-based service would be obligated to provide new content to its users. After all, you don’t pay for basic cable and then also pay for each episode of Gossip Girl you watch. Whatever you may think, the business model behind World of Warcraft is far too innovative to make a good deal of sense, so you can put your delusions of a gaming utopia aside. If you want new content you’re going to have to pay for it separately.

When you’ve become an addict and invested months of your life in leveling your character to the upper echelons of Azerothian society, you will find that you can go no further unless you buy one of the game’s two expansion packs. Fuck. Each expansion will allow you to gain an additional 10 levels. They’re also needed to play two of the game’s races, its most powerful class, and to access two entire continents (half of the game). Essentially, you need both expansion packs to play the entire game, and you’ll never amount to anything without them. You’ll have to buy more in the future if you want to continue playing, too, as the developers have said that their goal is to release a new expansion every year.

Hypothetically, let’s say that you’re willing to bite your tongue and endure all of this. Hypothetically, let’s say you have other human beings in your life. If you live with or share a computer with somebody else, none of this will benefit them at all. They’ll need their own subscription (which makes sense), but they will also need to buy their own copy of the game and both expansion packs (which does not make any fucking sense). If there are two of you, taking the expansion packs into consideration, you will have to buy the game six times and subscribe to it twice every month.

This is the case for me, living with my well-intending but exceptionally troublesome girlfriend Kimber. Our first year of this game will cost $294.85 — unless they release another expansion pack, in which case that should jump another $80 or so.

Yet we will go along with this, merrily achieving nothing at all with our lives while throwing money into a most hungry abyss. There are twelve million others out there who will do the same, and we’ll meet some of them later in this series of posts.

The question is whether or not you believe that there is any possibility of the game living up to what you would expect for that price tag. Even if so, don’t be in any rush to throw yourself off of that cliff, as the rest of this series will mostly focus on how awful the experience actually is.

Stay tuned for part two: Installing the Motherfucker.

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You know, there was a time several years ago where this story would have been big news. Indeed, it would have certainly made us go a-twitter - as in “all gossipy” as oppossed to “posting 160 character long comments.”

I am…

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You know, there was a time several years ago where this story would have been big news. Indeed, it would have certainly made us go a-twitter - as in “all gossipy” as oppossed to “posting 160 character long comments.”

I am referring, of course, to the news of the recent Britney Spears topless pictures. I’m not going to bother linking them. You’ve likely either seen them, don’t care to see them, or could easily find them with a search.

Really, this was an inevitable moment, but the lack of attention its getting reveals a couple of things about how the Internet has changed us.

First, we’ve seen so many celebrities topless (and more) that, perhaps, we’re sort of numb to it. I mean, we’ve seen Paris Hilton getting boned, so what’s the big deal about some tattooed boobs? Heck, Britney herself has flashed her crotch on a number of (unpleasant) occasions. Boobs shots are just sort of “meh” now.

Second, I think our expectation of boob quality has changed over the years. There are plenty of women out there with really excellent breasts. The Random Salad validation gallery stands as living testement to this. Britney’s rack is decent enough - especially for a mother of two who doesn’t seem to have had any work done - but they’re not “stop the presses, awesome shelf” caliber. Indeed, I now wonder if part of the reason she hasn’t been topless sooner is because she thinks she needs to look like a statue or something. Really, she looks fine, but the packaging made the product seem to be more impressive than it actually is, you know?

Third, while she’s still able to move record units and fill up concerts, she’s not really the sex symbol she was five or six years ago. I feel bad for her. I want to take care of her. I no longer see her as a sexual figure. Her topless pictures made me think “oh, somebody please give the poor crazy person a jacket because she doesn’t realize she’s nude.” Maybe Britney’s mental problems are overstated, but when I see somebody topless, I’d prefer not to think it is because they want me to see them naked, not because the voices in their head are telling them that they’re actually dressed.

In some ways, we’ve passed the golden age of celebrity nudity. Britney’s main rival, Xtina Aguilera, managed to get some “accidental” topless photos out there while the craze was still fresh, but Britney’s timing was off by a couple of years.

Egads, I think what I’m actually suggesting here is that nudity is out of fashion.

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Here are several things that you may or may not know about me: 1) I was fairly recently released back into the single wildlife. 2) By nature, I’m pretty high strung. 3) I still have that embarrassing problem of instinctively…

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Here are several things that you may or may not know about me: 1) I was fairly recently released back into the single wildlife. 2) By nature, I’m pretty high strung. 3) I still have that embarrassing problem of instinctively getting as drunk as humanly possible when I’m nervous.

Any of these things by themselves is no big deal, really. But when you combine them, it’s either a recipe for disaster from my point of view, or a recipe for enormous unintentional comedy, from yours. For example, here’s how a 1st date of mine went:

7:00 PM - arrived promptly to pick up my date, at the wrong house
7:05 - misunderstanding and miscommunication abound, chased from wrong house when the family inside thought i was there to pick up a married member of said household for a “date”
7:06 - Fairly convinced I heard a gunshot
7:10 - collected myself after having escaped. Changed my pants.
7:12 - called date to reconfirm address
7:20 - arrived at proper house, next door to the married gun-toting lunatic
7:21 - crawled on my stomach like a navy SEAL to front door and rang doorbell
7:22 - upon being discovered on the ground by my date, was asked what “the fuck” I was doing.
7:22 (cont’d) - hurried date to the car
7:25 - debated destination as with the shotgun incident, would surely miss dinner reservation for 7:30
8:15 - settled on going to the movies
8:16 - debated movie choices
9:30 - stopped for gas
9:45 - relented and settled on movie of her choice (horror movie)
10:00 - arrived at movie theater
10:01 - was pleased to discover it was a sit down dinner & a movie theater
10:02 - relived that they served beer
10:05 - show starts in concert with my drinking
10:20 - previews end, dinner arrives
10:21 - realized i had ordered while she had gone to the ladies room, and thus no meal for her
10:22 - did not offer to correct mistake
10:25 - more beer. several awkward looks at one another from across the table
10:28 - more beer
10:35 - more beer
10:40 - attempt to hold hands was rebuffed by crossing of arms….and legs
10:45 - starting to feel glowy inside. More bber.
11:00′ish - began to remember that we were at a horror movie. began feeling trepidation.
11:02 - first test passed: scare scene wasnt as bad as it was trumped up to be. Feeling confident
11:03 - chair is bumped by person behind it. Let out a high pitched shriek
11:04 - more beer
11:05 bathroom break
11:20 - returned from bathroom, date nowhere to be found
11:23 - arrive at the lobby just in time to see date getting into a cab
11:24 - more beer
11:35 - beer catches up to me
11:36 - statying to fe;; funny
11:40 - cabt kep eyes opemn
11:50? -fuvkc i dont knoedws anymoire. dont fuajcking judge me
zzzzz- fuck you

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As some of you may know, Christoph recently discovered the joys of “World of Warcraft.”

I was, for many years, active on two other “Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games” (MMORPG is the common acronym for this type of game) and…

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As some of you may know, Christoph recently discovered the joys of “World of Warcraft.”

I was, for many years, active on two other “Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games” (MMORPG is the common acronym for this type of game) and believe that, perhaps, some information about my experiences might be useful for Christoph as he works through this.  You know, sort of like how former gang members try to “scare straight” new kids before they get in too deep and get themselves in trouble.

So, I was active on Ultima Online for about six years and on City of Heroes for about two years.

I had played the Ultima games growing up and imagined that Ultima Online would be sort of like that, except with real people role playing the different characters.  Since, at the time, my internet connection was wicked slow (which prevented me from being effective in combat) I chose to be a miner.

Now, the thing you need to know about Ultima Online is that there were a ton of non-combat related skills - like cooking and fishing.  When I say I chose to be a miner, I literally mean that I would log in to the game, but shovels, stand next to mountains and click on them, collecting ore.  I would then make stacks of 100 ore, drag them back to my house and melt them into ingots.  I’d then sell the ingots.

I couldn’t actually make anything with the ore, because that would require me to be a blacksmith.

Most of my encounters with people went like this:

“u sell ingots”

“y”

“k - how much”

Or like this:

“hello stranger, I am a miner!”

“Ich werde Leid Sie Bergbauhomosexueller”

“oh, are you German”

“Sterben Sie sterben sterben”

Then he’d kill me and steal all my ore.

Eventually, they made it so that players who didn’t want to get randomly murdered could live in a “no kill zone.”  That essentially eliminated half of my conversations.

Anyhow, I later started a different character - an orc named “Ithunk.”  What made this orc unique is that I was a reporter for the Stratics network.  No, seriously.  I would show up at “events,” which usually involved people standing around doing nothing but saying “u” and “no u” and then would write about it.

Those were dark times.

Later, I started playing City of Heroes and City of Villains (the same game, but slightly different worlds).  There’s really no option to be anything but a person who beats up things in City of Heroes, and my internet connection was better, so I would frequently spend six to twelve hours running around beating shit up.

One of my proudest moments was when me and some other folks defeated the Clockwork King.  I have a jpg image of me and them standing around over his fallen body.  It took like seven hours.  No shit.

And I was genuinely proud at the time.  I went to bed with a smile on my face.

This is where I want to point out a problem.  See, my wife had gone to bed about eight hours earlier, so I had neither gotten any action or any sleep.  Then I had to get up to go to work.

Aye, there’s the rub.  My involvement in MMORPGs actually became serious enough that I stopped updating my websites with regularity, was tied all the time and (most importantly) occasionally found myself choosing MMORPGs over sex.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want the sex, I just wanted to wait until I’d finished just one more mission - and then maybe another mission - and then…

You get the idea.

So, Christoph, as you descend into the misery of WoW, I encourage you to remember that sex is, in fact, the priority.  Its why we went on to the Interweb in the first place.  Don’t let WoW lead you down the path to accidental celibacy.

If I can help just one person get laid a little more often because of my tragic mining experience, then it was all worth it.

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1. Somebody Says Something

“Friends, we’ve got to do something about the current food shortage in our country. We’ve had several years of lower than average rainfall and our crops are increasingly meager. We’re having an especially challenging time with the…

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1. Somebody Says Something

“Friends, we’ve got to do something about the current food shortage in our country. We’ve had several years of lower than average rainfall and our crops are increasingly meager. We’re having an especially challenging time with the low yield of our wheat. If we don’t take immediate action to address this situation, we will find ourselves eating baby food or, worse, dog food.”

2. The Media Reports Only The Most Controversial Part Of The Statement

“We will find ourselves eating baby food.”

3. A Headline Is Generated By Somebody Who Didn’t Read Carefully

“Senator Advocates Eating Baby Food”

4. Opposition Members Deliberately Misquote Senator On Cable News

“He has proposed that we use babies as food.”

5. Pundits Get Involved

“Senator Bigglesworth is the baby-eatingest baby eater since people in his political party started eating babies.”

6. Ambush Interviewer Gets Involved

Interviewer: “Senator Bigglesworth, you’ve had a long, distinguished career and its an honor having you here.”

Bigglesworth: ‘Thank you, Brian.”

Interviewer: “So, tell us. What exactly do babies taste like you baby eating monster?”

7. Jay Leno et al Gets Involved

“I was at a campaign rally for Senator Bigglesworth the other day. A lady asked him to kiss her baby and he swallowed it whole.”

8. Senator’s Office Ends Up Spending All Its Time Defending Senator

“Senator Bigglesworth never said that we should eat babies. If you look at the original quote, you’ll see that he said nothing of the sort. However, to prove his devotion to not eating babies, the Senator will go to a number of maternity wards and pre-schools today where he will demonstrate his resolve by not eating any humans.”

9. The Actual Problem Gets Worse

“This is Brian James for Cable News. Last month, half the country starved to death. Our question tonight: why hasn’t the government taken any action. We’ll be talking to Senator Bigglesworth, live from the house of Michelle Plume, who just gave birth to nine babies.”

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So many things went wrong under the Bush administration that identifying just one thing as his biggest mistake is impossible. I will tell you which of his decisions has had the most negative impact on me personally. As you may…

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So many things went wrong under the Bush administration that identifying just one thing as his biggest mistake is impossible. I will tell you which of his decisions has had the most negative impact on me personally. As you may have surmised, it was his administrations decision to employ so-called “enhanced interrogation techniques” on prisoners of war.

First of all, let’s call it what it is. If you’re having to invent an awkward phrase like “enhanced interrogation techniques” to describe what you’re doing, chances are you already know you’re doing something wrong.

“Mom, I wasn’t arrested for shoplifting, I was arrested for overzealous acquiring of material goods.”

“Mom, I’m not a rapist, I just engaged in an act of non-mutually agreed upon penetration.”

“Mom, I’m not a murderer, I was simply assisting in the premature desanguination of Friar Tom.”

I’m sure you see my point.

The thing is, I’m not a “erectile dysfunction reversal expert” or a “podiatric bifurcator of testicles.”

I’m a dominatrix. I step on men’s nuts. I’m proud of this. I’m comfortable with this. It took me a very long time to come out of my closet (filled with denim and leather) and admit to the world that I wasn’t Beatice Crumbolt. I am Gonadia, flattener of your vas defrens. I refuse to be stuck back in the closet by Bush-style linguistics.

Furthermore, the amateurish, hamfisted way in which the CIA approached torture has given those of us who have made torture both a lifestyle choice and career a bad name. I have been personally harassed over Craigslist by those who think what I’m doing to the Iraqis is “appalling” and “unforgivable.”

This is especially unfair since I have never once engaged in any act of ball flattening with anyone of Middle Eastern descent. I would if one asked - I don’t discriminate - but I haven’t and that is the crucial detail here.

Dominatrices and other torture professionals like myself have a very stringent code of conduct. It goes something like this:

1) Make sure the client is willing and not on any mind-altering substance.

2) Establish a clear set of safewords or gestures.

3) Take extensive photographs and videos.

4) Post those photographs and videos to our subscriber based websites.

5) Invest the money back into the business.

(copyright 1999, Boob Bane, webmaster of “tit-hockey.com”)

Bush and his agents violated every detail of this code of conduct except for step 3 (and perhaps step 5). I would refuse to call them torturers, but they did, in fact, engage in torture. I will, however, call them rank amateurs disguising themselves as professionals.

America, your sado-masochism professionals want to make this perfectly clear - we strongly denounce the unprofessional behavior of these torture hobbiests. When you come to us to have your breasts tied up until they’re purple, your ass whipped until it is red or your testicles mashed into the linoleum, please know that we will adhere to the strictest codes of professional ethics.

We want your nuts-crushing experience to be first rate. They’re your nuts. Its your money. You deserve the best.

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While nobody is quite, exactly sure what the point of Twitter is just yet, the goal once there is generally to increase your number of followers.

There are several reasons that one might seek a Twitter following. Some people believe that…

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While nobody is quite, exactly sure what the point of Twitter is just yet, the goal once there is generally to increase your number of followers.

There are several reasons that one might seek a Twitter following. Some people believe that they may, in the ~miraculous future~, be paid to tweet. Many just want to be popular on something. Others are evolving into Spambots, shouting into the void about their MySpace blog updates.

Getting popular on Twitter is, at the very least, something to do at work while you’re not working. So I’ve done the research for you, and I think I’ve figured it out.

Become a Celebrity

By far the simplest way to increase your following on Twitter is to become famous outside of Twitter, and then tell your fans to follow you. This works particularly well if you’re a smarmy cunt like Ashton Kutcher.

Follow Yourself

If you can’t actually achieve a high degree of fame, you can always fake it by creating thousands of Twitter accounts with names like “i love <name>” or “<name> is a smarmy cunt” and simply following yourself.

Tweet Constantly

The more often you tweet, the more likely it is that you will be seen in searches. Twitter is very much a quantity-over-quality kind of place. Unfortunately, not many people search for random keystrokes, so you do need to pay enough attention to ensure that your tweets are coming out in English.

Submit only Interesting/Entertaining Tweets

hahahaha, just kidding! Nobody is going to notice how clever you are on Twitter.

Sorry. Worry not, I’ve got several more tips. Very serious and very helpful tips.

Travel back in time and create Twitter

Seriously though, if you figured out the first part (the whole time travel thing) this would be a great tip, and I’m not ruling out that a reader of Random Salad is on the verge of such a technological breakthrough.

And yet not a breakthrough as great as the development of Twitter, considering its founders have a combined 1,275,518 followers at the time of this writing, which is a solid 1,275,512 more than the average mad scientist. Steal their thunder, and give it a better name.

Put words like “Consultant” and “Innovator” in your description

I have no idea how or why this works, only that there are countless such users. They spend most of their time linking to stories about Twitter, so maybe that helps, too. Maybe Twitter is all about Twitter.

Anyway, most of these guys are just spambots, buuut…

Follow Spambots

The nice thing about Spambots is that they will pretty much follow anybody. Seek them out, follow them, and they will automatically follow you back. Spam is incredibly friendly.

Fuck it, just follow everybody

Why not take it to the next logical step? Once you realize that you really don’t care about what other people are saying on Twitter, you can give up on actually reading their shit and follow as many people as possible.

They’ll follow you back, because they don’t intend to read your tweets either.

Write about Twitter on your website

You can follow me @fancydink

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In honor of National Masturbation Month, I thought I’d perform a public service by providing you with this health conscious list of common masturbation related mistakes. I hope it serves you well.

1. Not Using Enough Lubrication

Whether you are male…

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In honor of National Masturbation Month, I thought I’d perform a public service by providing you with this health conscious list of common masturbation related mistakes. I hope it serves you well.

1. Not Using Enough Lubrication

Whether you are male or female, an insufficient amount of lubrication can lead to soreness, chaffing and sometimes even bleeding. For women, lack of lubrication might result in an inability to achieve even digital penetration - though Random Salad recognizes penetration is not a pre-requisite for most successful female masturbation. Random Salad recommends that you use some kind of appropriate lubricant, be it a store bought lubricant or saliva, to make your masturbation experience safer and more successful. During regular sex, lubrication is normally involved, so you’ll also be having a more “authentic” jerking experience.

2. Using Excessive Force

Yes, sometimes the images that lead one to wanting to masturbate can sometimes be fleeting. For example, you’re watching a webcam and, for one brief second, a nipple is visible. Perhaps you try to fly into masturbation overdrive so that you can finish before that nipple is covered again. Big mistake. Excessive speed or force can lead to serious injury, be you a man or a woman. Random Salad endorses safe masturbation speed. There’s no sense rushing to knock out an orgasm at the expense of tearing or rubbing off your junk - that makes future orgasm impossible. Think, people, think.

3. Using Insufficient Force

Lackadaisical, overly gentle masturbation only works for a few very lucky people with extra-sensitive nerve endings. You should be making some sort of contact with your woman or man parts. If you find that you’re barely even aware that anything is happening while playing with yourself, there’s a good chance you need to put in a little more effort.

4. Masturbating When Not In The Mood

You’ve been cruising websites all day. You’re not tired yet. Oh, well, might as well masturbate. Has this ever happened to you? You end up trying to achieve orgasm for like two hours before you finally get yourself into the mood and, in the process, you’ve had to look at porn that is more extreme that what you’d normally look at? You end up with cookies from websites that endorse turning people into furniture for sexual pleasure? Masturbation, like fine wine, is something to be enjoyed when the time is right. If its important to you, you should want to do it right. Artists don’t paint when they’re not inspired. Treat your masturbation like art and you’ll avoid having cookies from amputee porn sites on your hard drive.

5. Using Inappropriate Objects

We’ve all heard the stories about a friend of a friend who stuck a hot dog or test tube up themselves with disastrous results. Or about the person who had to have the vacuum cleaner hose surgically removed from his dong. People, God and the internet have provided hundreds of objects that were specifically designed to aid in your masturbation experiences. Don’t cut corners by using household appliances or processed lunch meat. Spend the money on the professional equipment. Getting rushed to the hospital with shattered glass in your rectum from a test tube is infinitely more humiliating than having to go the emergency room because of errant ben wa balls. I mean, at least you were using the ben wa balls for their intended purpose, you know?

6. Taking Insufficient Privacy Precautions

Lock your door. I mean, that should be obvious. Make sure your partner is genuinely fast asleep and keep one eye on them. Better still, wait until their out of the house or, if you’re fast, in the shower. Make sure they’re really in the shower and not just running the water so they can catch you jerking. Make sure your webcam is off (unless that’s the whole point). Close your shades. Masturbation is meant to be done solo. Mutual Masturbation is what we back in the old country called “third base,” which is to say if you’re masturbating with somebody else around, who is also masturbating,it ceases to be masturbation and turns into sex. Congratulations, though, for having sex.

7. Picking an Inappropriate Location

You’re nodding off in the car on a long distance drive. What will keep you awake? Hey! How about some masturbation! You know, fifteen years ago, you were only risking death if you did that. Now, thanks to the ubiquitousness of phone cameras, you risk being on every website in the world any time you touch your crotch in public. Unless it is your intention to be an exhibitionist, make sure your chosen masturbation location is safe and free from gawking teenagers with phone cameras. While on this subject, many wild animals are attracted to the smells of human fluids. If you are going to make yourself smell like one of these fluids in the wild, do what you can to erase the odor afterwards lest you get mauled by a bear in an especially delicate area,

With a little effort and some self control, every masturbation experience should be a pleasant one. Good luck, and happy jerking.

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