Ridiculously Awesome Insects

Christoph Malcolm on July 13th, 2008 in Articles

If you had told me about some of these bugs I probably wouldn’t have believed you. These tiny, fascinating creatures are abominations of nature, which I had no idea existed until, of course, I decided to write an article about insects I had no idea existed.

The definition of “awesome” insects here varies from bugs that are legitimately interesting, to just absolutely terrifying. In the latter case I may simply scream like a little girl for a few paragraphs. Either way, it should prove entertaining.

Join me on my journey. We begin with a dancing strand of hair.

Gordian Worm

Class: What the fuck?
Skills: Mind Control, Being Eaten
Finishing Move: Suicide via Cricket

I discovered the Gordian Worm in a face-to-face encounter, most of which I spent trying to determine whether or not it was actually alive. It was about two feet long, only slightly thicker than a human hair, and repeatedly lifted its front half straight up into the air to do a little dance. I thought at first that it might just be a hair blowing around in the wind, but its graceful swaying quickly charmed me into accepting it as life.

As it turns out, it was trying to get me to eat it so that it could drown me. Which is a little rude, I have to say. It would much rather be eaten by a Cricket, though, so I figure it was getting a bit desparate and I don’t really hold it against the little guy.

The Gordian Worm dances to bait insects into ingesting it, in order to take advantage of their mobility by — I’m being serious now — shoving a tendril into their brains and siezing control of their motor functions. Once this is accomplished, they will drive their pimped out Cricket-mobiles to the nearest source of water, drown them, crawl out of their assholes and go for a swim.

Such is the life of the Gordian Worm. You may find it odd, but try to be more accepting of other cultures.

Twisted-Wing Parasite

Class: Sexual Deviant
Skills: Entering Bees
Finishing Move: Staying in Bees

I thought for our next specimen I should pick something more glamorous, so as not to scare away the random Internet riff-raff who stumble their way over here looking for naked pictures of underage celebrities. It’s another parasite, but I promise that this one won’t come out of anything’s anus.

The Twisted-Wing Parasite is born inside of its host, typically a Bee or a Wasp. Male and female alike will escape the host (through the abdomen, not the anus), upon which females seek out a host of their own, while males sniff around for females who are hanging their genitals out of Bees.

See? Still no anuses. This one’s pretty tame, right?

So, once the male locates a female’s Bee-dangled genitals, which happen to be behind her head, he begins to skull-fuck her as quickly as he can before dying, as the male Twisted-Wing can only expect to get a good five hours of skull-fucking out of his life. Nine months later all of the infected bees gather together, light up some stogies, and marvel at the miracle of life as larvae begin to crawl out of their bellies through the hole dad left in mom’s head.

It’s kind of beautiful.

Pussy Moth

Class: Adorable
Skills: Aww!
Finishing Move: Kawai! ^.^ kekeke

Okay, it’s time to get off of the parasites and pick a winner. The Pussy Moth has everything going for it, and I really don’t think I need to spell this out for you. Look at that picture and tell me that you don’t just want to pick it up, scratch it under the chin and rub it all over your face.

Apparently some people do just that upon meeting their first Pussy Moth, and if you asked them about it they probably wouldn’t think it was all that cute anymore. You see, its fur is loaded with tiny, venomous spines.

If you come into contact with a Pussy Moth you can expect extreme, radiating pain traveling up your limbs, as well as “burning, swelling, nausea, headache, abdominal distress, rashes, blisters, and sometimes chest pain, numbness, or difficulty breathing.”

Kawai! ^.O OH JESUS FUCK ME!!~1##

Assassin Bug

Class: Total Douchebag
Skills: Liquification, Sticky Fingers
Finishing Move: Lethal Injection

Yeah, this thing wants to hurt you, but at least it’s upfront about it (I’m looking at you, Pussy Moth). The Assassin Bug is even brazen enough to brag about its contempt for all creatures in its name, and it’s most certainly not bluffing.

Most Assassin Bugs are quite small, but even the runts can boast a very powerful beak which, you guessed it, hurts like all hell when shoved deep into the bodies of unsuspecting victims. They don’t often prey upon humans, but when they do it’s been said that they have one of the most painful bites of all insects, and their favorite target happens to be the soft and thin flesh of sleeping eyelids.

Where the Assassin Bug starts to get really awesome is when it begins to digest its meal, because it has the rare ability to begin that process before ingesting any of it. Through its aforementioned beak it injects a poison which liquifies the insides of its prey, to be sucked out through the same tube like a nice, smooth milkshake.

The name was awarded due to their lightning-quick strikes and sticky limbs which give potential meals very little hope of escape, and enable them to bring down creatures much larger than themselves, but I still think a better name might have been The I WILL FUCKING LIQUIFY YOUR INSIDES… Bug, because I don’t really care how quickly it moves if the end result is slushy innards.

Tree Ants

Class: Clever
Skills: Creating elaborate death traps
Finishing Move: Dismemberment

You don’t necessarily think of ants as being brutal killing machines, but quite a few species can be downright vicious about it. The Tree Ant in particular seems to take some sadistic joy out of an artful kill.

One thing most people do know about ants is that they work well in teams, and these guys are no different. They work together to construct a platform with a series of holes running through it, forming a symbiotic relationship not only with the tree they dwell upon but with the fungus they grow to use as a glue in order to hold their little world together. It’s pretty neat, I have to say.

What’s neater though is that when a much larger insect should happen to travel through their village, they lie in wait to grab ahold of its legs and pull them in and out of their system of holes, sewing them to the tree and — as most insects only stretch so far — effectively pulling them apart. After further dismemberment, the insect’s parts are carried back to the nest for dinner.

Driver Ants

Class: Legion
Skills: Walking
Finishing Move: HALP HAL– *choke*

As dangerous as Tree Ants may be to other insects, they’re pretty pathetic when faced with a human foe. Not so for our next species, Driver Ants, who have been known not just to cause a little pain or irritation, but to actually kill people.

The life of a Driver Ant is pretty much just a whole lot of walking. Sounds fairly pedestrian (ba-dum psht!) but when you consider that there can be up to Fifty Million of them in a column, it gets a little frightening. Luckily, if you see an army of Drivers marching towards you, stepping slightly to the left will be enough to save your life.

Now, should you happen to be sleeping, you’re pretty much fucked. It’s not actually uncommon for the path of a column of Driver Ants to lead through one unfortunate soul’s home, and if they should traverse your pillow one night you stand a good chance of being suffocated. Once that happens they throw all tact out the window and consume your entire body. Believe it or not, this happens.

Wolf Spider

Class: GAH!
Skills: GAAHH!!
Finishing Move: GAAAHHH!!!

As big a threat as the marching menace of Driver Ants may pose, no creature on this earth can strike fear into my heart quite as dependably as the common Wolf Spider.

Do they do anything particularly fascinating? Well, not really, no. They just sort of wander around looking for things to kill, and aren’t anywhere near ambitious enough to think that includes people. They lead simple lives, and try to keep to themselves.

However, I would argue that they are notable if only due to the impact they have had on my life. Just last week I saw one running across the floor with every intention of getting under my couch, but within a millisecond of its emergence from my bathroom I was already reaching for a book, which was then hurled across the room and successfully destroyed the target with only inches to spare before its mission of being under my sofa would have been accomplished.

I don’t even want to think about what would have happened had I missed. The idea of a Wolf Spider being in my house and not dead is enough to warrant finding a new apartment, and either torching this one or just leaving my stuff behind. If I see a Wolf Spider and fail to kill it, I can never enter that room again without fearing its presence.

Seriously, there is nothing more terrifying than the Wolf Spider.

House Centipede

Class: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Skills: HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Finishing Move: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I TAKE IT BACK! I TAKE IT BACK! THE WOLF SPIDER IS CUTE LIKE KITTENS, BUT WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING?!

Jesus, I’m going to have to delete the website or something. I’m not going anywhere near that picture. Scroll down, Christoph, scroll down.

Shit, still there.

That’s better. What you just witnessed is something science refers to as the “House Centipede”, which is some kind of a sick joke really, because the implication that they are commonly found in people’s houses can’t possibly be true with the current nationwide homeless rates being safely beneath the 100% mark.

I’d say more but there’s no power on this earth that could get me to do any research on these things. Moving on.

Goliath Beetle

Class: Huge
Skills: Weighing a lot
Finishing Move: None

Now this I can deal with. It’s merely a beetle the size of a kitten. You know, for some reason bigger insects are actually a lot less intimidating.

The aptly-named Goliath Beetle is, in fact, the world’s largest insect — or at least the heaviest, because nerds tend to argue about how these honors are defined. In any case, it’s a very, very big bug.

The gentle giant is a vegetarian, feeding on leaves and wood as larvae, and eating various fruits and tree sap in its adult stage. Once fully grown, its only goal is to find a mate and die, which is kind of sad. Too many insects fail to embrace their individuality and potential for personal growth.

As harmless as Goliath is, the thought of it in flight spooks me just a tad. I don’t even want to think of what it would sound like. It’s good to know though that bugs of this size are of the non-violent sort.

Hercules Beetle

Class: Huge and Pointy
Skills: Weighing a lot and beating you up
Finishing Move: Ending this article

The Hercules Beetle may not be the largest bug out there, but it’s one of the longest beetles and, without a doubt, the strongest creature on the planet pound-for-pound.

Like Goliath, Hercules’ diet is mostly made up of fruit. However, and this is a key difference, Hercules is well prepared to defend himself with his giant, incredibly strong horn. It’s designed for fighting other beetles, but do you want to find out what it feels like in your ankle? I don’t.

Its legendary strength is really quite impressive. This guy can lift more than 850 times its own body weight. I’m not very good with math, but weighing in at around three ounces that means the typical Hercules Beetle can probably knock your girlfriend over, with the ability to haul about 160 pounds.

I really can’t imagine a better end to this article than girls being knocked over and carried away by beetles. If you think you can trounce my awesome insects, do share with the group in the comments.

Just, please, no unlabeled links to pictures of centipedes.

12 Comments »

Why Does Nintendo Hate Us?

Christoph Malcolm on June 13th, 2008 in Articles

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve long been a fan, but after so many years of accepting the quirks and shortcomings of Nintendo’s consoles I can’t help but feel like I’m being intentionally deprived of true excellence. As rich and as deep as their talent may be, they’re not giving us all of the things we want from our games.

Maybe it’s all a big joke. Perhaps, in a secret bunker hidden deep in the Japanese forest, Nintendo’s top brass horde away all of the features we long for and mock us as they play a photo-realistic version of Metroid Prime online with their friends in another totally secret bunker a few miles south. So far this is the most logical explanation I’ve been able to come up with.

If you don’t know what I’m going on about, here’s a quick rundown of my five biggest gripes with the Wii. And just to avoid starting a great philosophical debate, graphics aren’t going to factor in here.

1. Lack of DVD Playback.
Not a big deal for some people, sure, but since the Wii actually reads DVDs to play games, why the hell not implement a last-gen feature most people would just assume the system has? Seriously, I learned that the Wii doesn’t play DVDs by trying to play one of my own without even considering that it might not work. This wouldn’t bother me so much if I didn’t know that the capability is inherently present in the hardware and could be activated instantly with a system update. The feature is intentionally disabled.

2. Crippled Online Features
Nintendo wants you to play games together, in your living room, at a slumber party, drinking soda pop and getting all whacked out on Mike and Ike’s. This is Nintendo’s preference, so to hell with you if you might prefer playing the same multiplayer game with a friend a little further away. The token online features they’ve given us with a very short list of games for the Wii and the DS are designed not from the perspective of having fun, but of not getting child-molested, which is a noble goal and all but I’m not really sure how big the threat was, nor why people like myself who are willing to be molested can’t turn off these babysitter features.

3. Held-Back Content
Nintendo very openly delays releases in order to space them out and keep us wanting more. Not a big fan of that, but I get it. Where this becomes a problem for me is on the Virtual Console, because there are dozens of games I continue to patiently wait for while they poop out some of the worst titles ever released in their place. People who download from the VC know what they want, and for the most part they’ve played those games before, so there’s no real logic behind saving the classics for a rainy quarter. It’s almost insulting when you consider that VC games are simple ROM dumps and Nintendo could easily have everything in their library available by the end of the day if they felt like doing it.

4. 512MB of Flash Memory
Oh, fuck you. Seriously? My memory’s full, and the flash card I bought to triple my capacity will be soon enough. 512 megs is enough for game data, but you knew I was going to gobble up your delicious Virtual Console titles at the incredibly slow pace you allow me to and you just plain didn’t care. Now we’ve got WiiWare, and what do you expect me to do exactly? Get up and switch out my cards? I know you want me to lose weight with Wii Fit and the training stuff in Wii Sports, but getting off of the couch to manually insert downloadable content is where I draw the line. How hard would it really have been to include a couple gigs of memory in this thing? You could have done that and still made a profit without raising the price. You son of a bitch.

5. Flash 7
I know this isn’t technically Nintendo’s fault alone, but I suspect it’s something they could overcome for the good of us all if they cared to. Most websites require a higher version of Flash, and that problem will only become greater as time goes by, so we’re stuck with half of a feature on a steady decline. Come on, Nintendo, ask Adobe real, real nice if you can get a license for an updated Flash plugin, and if you have to throw a little money at them I won’t think any less of you. The mentality of, “eh, good enough,” isn’t making it easy to love you.

When all is said and done, none of these complaints make the Wii a bad console to own, but they do frustrate the hell out of me as a loyal consumer of Nintendo’s products. Sometimes it’s easy to explain why certain things are missing and begrudgingly accept those flaws, but in a few cases it really seems like they’re choosing to hold back just to be douchebags.

It’s not like this is a new trend, either. The GameCube had adorable minidiscs at the expense of capacity. The N64 opted to fight piracy in China over using the logical format of CDs. The NES and the SNES were both underpowered systems for their time, though not to the same degree as the Wii. Finally, the GameBoy’s monochrome screen may have made sense when it was released, to extend battery life, but there was really no reason for us to wait 10 years for a color upgrade.

I love you, Nintendo. Why do you hate me?

5 Comments »

Know Your Rights!

Tim Hinton on June 9th, 2008 in Articles

Today on this exciting, authoritative, and typo-ridden website, it is Know your Rights day, in which I will explain what police officers can and cannot do to you. It’s amazing how little people know about what the cops can do. For example, I used to think that police officers were actually a species of crocodile that learned how to talk and now worked for the government! As it turns out, sadly they are not.

Another little known fact is that I am not a lawyer. It’s true. I am probably the least qualified person in the world to talk about legal matters. As such, I will be basing my information off of as little actual legal study as possible, instead choosing to shape my discussion around personal run-ins with the law, common knowledge, and mostly things I’ve learned from watching Law and Order.

Police need a reason to shoot you, usually.

A lot of people think that cops are just dudes who run around doing whatever they want. Not true. Cops are dudes who run around doing whatever they can get away with, just like you and me. here’s a basic rundown of things that the police can and cannot do.

The Police can:

• Drive faster than you. Not necessarily because they are better drivers, but because they are allowed to charge you money or throw you in jail if you try to beat them in a race. Police are poor sportsmen.
• Wear shortsleeve shirts and neckties, and commit other fashion crimes with impunity.
• Say cool stuff like, “I don’t give a damn what the commissioner says, I know what needs to be done on these streets!”
• Glare at you disapprovingly, totally harsh your buzz and make you flush your stash.
• Hope that someone gets their message in a bottle.
• Hit you with state-approved sticks.

If the police do any of these things to you, that sucks, but you can’t really do anything about it because you’re probably a dick who had it coming.

The Police cannot:

• Call your grandmother and tell her what kind of trouble you’ve been getting yourself into. Unless they happen to be friends with her.
• Give you an embarrasing haircut.
• Cut in line at the movies.
• Come into your house late at night and mess up the place, unless a judge told them it was ok.
• Give you an F on your term paper
• Spend the rest of their lives looking at the barrel of an Armalite.
• Rape you with state-approved sticks.

If the police do any of these things to you, then you should probably call a lawyer or something, because that shIt’s not cool. If The Police do any of these things to you, that’s awesome.

Cops are allowed to lie.

There is a common misconception that if you ask a cop if they are, in fact, a cop, they have to say yes. People who believe this are actually thinking of George Washington, which is an easy mistake to make. Lying is part of the American dream, and cops can lie to you about lots of stuff if they want to. This rule exists so that undercover cops don’t get shot by drug lords, which is considered by members of the police community to be a good thing.

Cops don’t need a reason to arrest you.

I found this one out the hard way. Did you know that It’s a crime to throw an empty whiskey bottle at an off-duty police officer? I’m still not sure it is — it was empty! — but the cop arrested me anyway.

And even if you’re not minding your own drunken business, cops can usually make up a reason to arrest you. If you disagree, then you’re resisting arrest, which is a real crime.

Then there’s this dude, who has not only learned that the police can arrest you for eating at Taco Bell, but also that they do not crumble under the massive political pressure stirred up by a badly-made webpage. The real lesson that you should take away from his misfortune is that you aren’t allowed to take your fast food with you if you get arrested.

Not all police officers are trying to avenge their murdered partner

Statistically speaking, only 50% of cops have got a personal score to settle with the man that killed their partner. The other half are said murdered partner.

In Conclusion

The police can be your friends, if your friends are the kind of jerks who will totally narc on you for trying to make an honest living by smuggling a few hundred pounds of cocaine over the border. If you don’t want friends like that, print this page out and keep it handy, so that when you have your next inevitable run-in with the law you can give the cop a paper cut and run off into the woods.

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How to Shun Bad Video Games: Understanding the Gaming-Industrial Complex

Bukola on June 5th, 2008 in Articles

Did you just blow fifty dollars on a hyped up video game only to discover that it was less then stellar? If so, here are my tips on how to shun bad video games.

Wise Up: The Sordid Relationship between Publishers and Game Reviewers

Image Credit: Videogamer.com

The business models of gaming magazines depend heavily on revenues from advertisements. With more gamers looking for compelling content online the competition for page views to drive up ad sales has intensified. The reviewers have two main objectives: First, review new games ASAP to drive traffic. Second, keep the game publishers happy with positive reviews. It’s gotten so bad that some publishers will limit what reviewers can mention or comment on. It’s even been rumored that Jeff Gerstmann, former editorial director of Game Spot, was fired after penning a critical review of Eidos’ Kane and Lynch.

Perhaps you’re wondering why the publishers have so much influence. They buy sway with reviewers through expensive ad buys, free gaming products and ‘exclusive’ access to games before the official release date. A reviewer who offers up an honest assessment of a crappy game risks being added to the publisher’s blacklist which usually means: no advance copies of the title to review. And as you know, late reviewers lose the page view and web traffic race. This is why you’ll be hard pressed to find a game with a rating of less than 7 on Gamespot.com.

Build Anticipation…. Wait Before you Buy

Image Credit: Cheatmasters.com

Wait for the real story to come out once the hype passes. I usually wait six months before buying a new title. This also saves me money as game publishers slash prices to make room for the next over-hyped game. Case in point GTA4. You’ll find that the well-known gaming sites have given GTA4 ridiculously positive reviews. I’m sure it’s a great game but waiting has given me the opportunity to hear about the it’s strengths and weaknesses from people who are not influenced by game publishers.

If You Can’t Wait, Play the Demo

Image Credit: Blogulate.com

If you can’t wait for a comprehensive review and the publisher has released a demo: go ahead and play it. This will give you a feel for the graphics, game play, and plot. After you play the demo consider when it would be ideal for you to purchase the game.

Go Indie: Focus on Independent Sources for Game Reviews

Image Credit: GameSpot

Independent reviewers tend to provide honest assessments to their readers. Remember Jeff Gerstmann? After Game Spot fired him for his critical game reviews he launched the indie game reviewing site, Giant Bomb.com

It also pays to read reviews from unexpected sources. Time Magazine reviewed GTA4 and titled it Grand Theft Auto IV: The 6.24% Review. I give them props for admitting that they only played 6.24% of the game before they wrote the review. This kind of honesty is lacking from the ‘usual’ sources.

For authentic reviews that aren’t hype-induced circle jerks you can check out the following sites:

• http://www.joystiq.com — They also have a great nega-review of GTA4
• http://www.infoaddict.com — and 10 Things that Suck About GTA4
• Gamefaqs.com Message Boards

What do you think? How do you shun bad video games?

6 Comments »

Chip & Cracker Sandwiches!

Christoph Malcolm on April 23rd, 2007 in Articles

First off, fuck those sissy little Mini Ritz crackers with whatever that foamy orange crap between them is supposed to be. I’m talking about sandwiches, as seen to the right –>

There are nine varieties of texture in that sandwich. Nine distinct crunches, flavors, and experiences. Common folk will settle for lettuce, and even call it a “crunchy texture,” but these are the same people who masturbate to bangbus.com instead of simply renting a van and exploiting strange women themselves. You’re settling for less, and you know it, but now it’s time to evolve a little.

Realistically, you only want one or two chips in your sandwich. My personal favorite is simple enough: lightly butter each piece of bread, with a slice of bologna on the bottom and a thin layer of Cheez Whiz on top, and a nice, even distribution of BBQ Pringles in the middle.

Try it. You’ll like it. You won’t be able to eat chips without wrapping them in bread ever again.

This should be standard, I think. This should be acceptable. If you pull out a sandwich and bite into it today, and it goes, “CRUNCH! RARRACRUNCHACRUNCHA! RARARRKLE!” People will look at you and think to themselves, Toast? No, not toast. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT BITCH EATING?

My question is, why? Why on earth are chip and cracker sandwiches not the right thing to do?

I’ve considered opening a chain of restaurants. They would be similar to Subway, but with a bunch of bread and chip combos to choose from. “I’d like a Doritos on Rye, please” You could add all of the lame toppings you wanted, though you really do want to keep a chip sandwich relatively simple. I think a lot of people would try it.

Even if the business failed, it would break the taboo of chip sandwiches. At least on my block. People would see me eating my chip sandwiches and say, “Once, they did that in a restaurant.” Suddenly, it would be okay.

I’d still be ridiculed, but it would be more like, “Haha! Your business failed and you have no future!” At least my sandwiches would be crunchy.

20 Comments »

Interview with a Spampire (sorry)

Christoph Malcolm on March 30th, 2007 in Articles

The other day I recieved an instant message from a lovely young woman by the name of Lessie.

Lessie: hi there babe

Christoph: hello babe. do you have msn babe?

Lessie: yes. want to join me there

Christoph: ok babe. what’s your email addy?

Lessie: *****@hotmail.com

Christoph: added you. let me know babe

If you’ve been around the Internet a while, you know now as I knew then that I was talking to some form of porn spam. I had actually read this particular script before from more than a couple other models, so I was just doing my best to say everything she was about to a few seconds faster.

Christoph: how are you doing babe?

Lessie: well what can i say babe, i am as horny as hell

Christoph: me too babe, want to see my webcam?

Lessie: sure babe, but i can’t access mine

Christoph: That’s okay, I will send you my link: (I sent some other model’s referral link)
Christoph: Click and register for details. After you sign up my cam is open to you babe

Lessie: lol

I was expecting her to get really mad and say something hilarious so I could post it here, but when she actually laughed at that I knew we could have something much greater.

Christoph: Can I ask you something, seriously?

Lessie: sure hon

Christoph: Are you a) human, b) female, and c) not completely ugly?

Lessie: oh yes, do you want to see me?

Christoph: Not if it’s going to cost anything. I’d actually like to interview you, though, just a little.

Lessie: free for you. give me a sec and you can ask anything you want

Let this be a lesson to you all! Give spam a chance — or in this case, I guess just try to make spam look like a jackass — and you might find out that Spam is not a jackass, or even end up with Spam’s boobs in front of you. Not to mention, a totally interesting interview subject.

Christoph: How did you find out about the job?

Lessie: an advertisement caught my interest, so i tried it and i liked it

Christoph: So is this your first step into the world of adult entertainment?

Lessie: oh yes! and i enjoy doing it. i was studying before so this was interesting

My typing had slowed considerably by this point, but I pressed on with the interview.

Christoph: So where are you right now? Is it your own private little room in a gloriously phallic office tower? Describe the setting to me, slowly.

Lessie: well no, we are all together in a big room with about 50 computers, then when we get a client we transfer to another room to access the site computer where we have our toys and stuff

Christoph: You can humor me here if I’m wrong, but does that mean that there are times when it’s a room full of gorgeous, naked, writhing women?

Lessie: oh yes hon

Christoph: I can picture that both as being the best thing ever, and this totally unattractive surreal experience

Lessie: you would love to be here

Christoph: How many fake orgasms are taking place in the room right now?

Lessie: lol…. you are crazy

Christoph: Count them! Oh, won’t you please count them?

She would not count them. Out of fifty women, realistically less than half of them would be live with a client at any given moment, and of those you would be lucky if even a couple were in the middle of an orgasm. I’m not a very realistic person though, so I imagined she was the only one with her hands on the keyboard.

Christoph: Do you have a boyfriend? I ask because, you know, I’m creepy.

Lessie: not anymore, he could not handle my job

Christoph: That’s crap, I’d be proud as hell. I would tell all my friends that my girlfriend was this totally hot model on the Interweb, or if it bothered me I’d just register and take up all of your time as your best customer

Lessie: lol, you are so funny. he can’t handle other men seeing me naked i guess

Christoph: Were you heartbroken about it?

Lessie: not really, i found it unreasonable

Christoph: Do many people in your life know about your work?

Lessie: well only a few, immediate family mostly

Christoph: What do they seem to think of it?

Lessie: my family is so supportive about my job. but i have to have my costumes washed too and that gets a lot of stares at the laundry… lol

I’m going to be paying much more attention to my neighbors’ laundry in the future. Again, because I’m creepy. I’m extremely fucking creepy.

Lessie: brb i have to work don’t go away

Christoph: Deal

(three minutes pass)

Lessie: i am back

Christoph: That was a short session.

Lessie: oh it is ok he was an older guy lol

Christoph: The old guys don’t last so long?

Lessie: no they are so fast when they see a young firm body

I used to do tech support, and of course we mostly spent our breaks talking about how goddamn stupid everybody with a computer is. I can only imagine how much joy I would feel to be in a break lounge with thirteen nude models all insulting my dear friend and biggest fan, the CookieMan.

Christoph: Do you get a lot of totally fucked up guys?

Lessie: oh yes a lot of perverts too

Christoph: How do you deal with them?

Lessie: well this is the thing, if i encounter some guy who is too nasty or perverted for me… i pass him to another model who is into this kind of things

Christoph: So you just tell the guy straight up, “I’m not into that, but Monica’s a fuckin’ freak”

Lessie: yes, it is a nice way to put it, and they usually agree

Christoph: What about things that aren’t really perverted, but just kind of stupid? Like, if a guy asks you to hop on one foot and flap in futility like an evolving dinosaur?

Lessie: lol that’s never happened. at least not to me yet

Somebody needs to register specifically to ask her to do that. It won’t be me though, because I “finished the interview” a few messages back and just wanted to run out to the 7-Eleven and cool off with a refreshing drink.

Christoph: Do you like Slurpees?

Lessie: oh yes i do

Christoph: That’s totally hot in a girl. Do you mix flavors?

Lessie: no, i always get something red or pink

Christoph: Oh? I go for a little cream soda now and then, but darker sodas make for a wetter base so as not to have it drying up near the end of the journey. I thought everyone knew that.

With that, I left Lessie in peace, and scampered off to the Sev.

Really, she was such a good sport about everything that I’d like to end the post with a link to her profile, Angel8Teen. I don’t make any money from that link, but she does, and she totally deserves it for putting up with me.

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When I Think About You I– OH GOD OH GOD!!!

Christoph Malcolm on March 20th, 2007 in Articles

I’ll start off by telling you that I’m not gay, and I haven’t been for some time. I am, however, absolutely terrified of attractive, nude women. Even ferociously ugly women, when nude, are to be avoided by me right now.

I wish it were something as simple as a personal crisis regarding my sexual identity. Sadly, my problem is a lot worse.

I… can’t masturbate.

Try to imagine a world in which you could not simply load up a website and gratify yourself on your lunch break. Horrifying, isn’t it? This is my new reality though, and it could happen to you as well. There is no need to panic; Random Salad isn’t going anywhere, so you may continue to masturbate to my hypertext at a leisurely rate, but if you don’t take the proper precautions now you could one day find yourself reduced to reading it for the articles!

The fucking articles!

To explain this, we’re going to need a little science. Please bear with me.

This is a brain:

That’s sort of like a brain, anyway. You’ll have to trust me on this one — it’s a brain, as one should look on any average day at any average moment. It’s waving to show you just how boring and typical this scenario is.

Meanwhile, this is a brain masturbating:

That might look a little weird to you, but I’m a man of science (I once ate part of a jellyfish to see if it was spicy) and I can assure you that whenever you touch your naughty places your brain spontaneously grows a fapping-arm to help you keep the beat.

When I jerk off, though, my brain does something completely different. It started about a week ago and it has only gotten worse with time. According to my doctor, these episodes are called “exertion migraines,” which are apparently very common.

If you don’t know much about migraines, basically your brain throws a hissy-fit like a teenage girl smoking pot, and just starts rolling around like, “OMG u guyz, omg no im SRSLY GUYS!”

It hurts like a motherfucker, and if you happen to be masturbating at the time it looks like this:

It’s not a pretty sight, but that’s what happens every time I get a decent erection. Every goddamn time. I can’t have sex with anything — and believe me, I’ve tried a wide variety of objects by now.

There are lots of things a person can do to prevent the headaches, but most of them would involve changing small aspects of my lifestyle that I have grown fond of. I have also considered surgery, but I haven’t yet been able to decide if I’d rather lose my penis or my brain.

One of the most common causes of exertion migraines is insomnia, so if you’re a stronger person than I then all you’ll have to do to avoid them is get yourself a good night’s rest. Now, masturbation is a great way to sign off for the evening, so even though I may have lost that ability and trapped myself in a vicious cycle of pain and sorrow, it’s not too late for you.

When you lie down tonight to go to sleep, reach deep into your blankets and do what needs to be done to ensure your continued good health. Even if you don’t like to do it very often, or if you think that Jesus will tear off your testicles if you do it twice in a week, you never know what you have until it’s gone. You must masturbate for the right to masturbate.

Be careful, though, or you may wind up cumming through your ears.

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How to Wipe Your Ass

Christoph Malcolm on March 1st, 2007 in Articles

I don’t remember being shown how to wipe my ass. My mother never knelt in front of me on the toilet and coached me on my form, and I should hope that your parents showed similar restraint. In theory, this is something that we learn through trial and error — even if we don’t remember it — and it is very likely that every person has developed his or her own masterful variation on any number of possible techniques.

I was curious, so I began to ask around. I posed the question to a couple good friends of mine, and my suspicions were confirmed when each of them came back with an entirely different answer. I decided to dig deeper, asking people via email, message boards, and eventually the Starbucks where my girlfriend works, all to ask the question: how do you wipe your ass?

The Techniques

Meet my girlfriend. She says she does a “weird standing-squat,” but I would have to see this to even begin to comprehend, and so far she hasn’t let me watch. I’m sure it’s incredibly unattractive, but I’m all about science.

Most of my initial interest in this topic was focused on this “back to front” business. It just doesn’t make sense, to me, that a person would do this and never once think, “gee, what if I tried not pushing feces towards my genitals?” Disgustingly intriguing, Joey.

Dozer, like Kim, has a unique method for different situations. I had never thought of this before, but it does sort of make sense. Dozer also wipes back-to-front, so we have two in each column already (standers / men with dirty balls), but at least he doesn’t stand.

When a person is seated, their cheeks are spread as much as possible for optimal access to the target area, and I would presume that when you stand up there would be some clenching, the effects of which I’m sure could be disastrous in the wrong hands. Apparently, though, this is quite popular.

This got me curious enough to try it, and it’s actually quite doable, and kind of nice. You can fold your arms on the toilet tank and rest your head, or take a nap even. Why not? I can see myself lasting longer on the toilet with Kim’s DS this way.

That’s almost my method, but I actually don’t look at the toilet paper. I used to take four passes at it, but I’m down to three now because the toilet in my apartment now clogs too easily. I’ve yet to have a problem with just three wads of paper, so I consider it a win for the environment.

I would say there was no way this could be an honest answer, but I know Dexter and I’m pretty sure he’s dead serious about this.

I would never have guessed that so many people checked the toilet paper after they wiped. Seriously, I would rather have trace elements of fecal matter in my ass than held up in front of my face.

Not the first person to admit to wiping back-to-front, but it’s important to note that this is the first female, which just isn’t right at all. I can only hope that this study will help to alert her future suitors.

The implication here of course is that a family shares just one spoon, making this both the most disgusting and most awesome thing I’ve heard in all of my interviews with strangers about poop.

The Results

Over the span of two months, with a little help from some friends, we were able to collect enough data to, at last, justify creating a spreadsheet. Our combined efforts earned us the ass-wiping information of over 250 people all over the world, the results of which are quite disturbing. How many people do you think wipe back-to-front? If you’re anything like me, you’re probably way, way off.

Women (74)
Men (185)
Combined (259)

Standing:

Sitting:

Back to Front:

Front to Back:

The most noteworthy thing here is that women in our little study stand more often than they sit. I should point out that we added anybody who said they sometimes stood/squatted to the “standing” list, so that isn’t entirely accurate. The direction with which people wipe ought to be pretty spot-on though, and I am ashamed for my entire gender to learn that 40% of men wipe back-to-front.

I figured there would be some variation to our ass-wiping styles, but I never would have imagined the results to be as close as they are. Hopefully I’ve been able to open somebody’s eyes to mistakes they’ve been making since childhood, or shown you some exciting new additions to add to your routine.

And seriously, try sitting backwards. You’ll thank me later.

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The Paper Wardrobe

Christoph Malcolm on April 17th, 2006 in Articles

Printable clothing is the latest fad on this page, of this website. Everybody who is anybody is doing it — from me, to my cat, and back to me again — it’s taking my room by storm!

I started doing this a few months ago when my less-flammable clothing caught fire, teaching me just how misleading the term “less flammable” is, and why the heck should a guy bother trying once the world throws him a curve ball like that? I decided to toss fire-retardation out the window in exchange for regular retardation, and put together this fantastic tiara for a social gathering:

It wasn’t long before I was wearing construction paper shoes with toilet paper socks, and dancing the night away in flowing gowns made entirely of Kleenex, with paper prostitutes, contracting only a few minor cuts. My father won’t speak to me, but I’ve never felt so alive as the first time I took to the dance floor in white onion-skin paper panties.

It’s true that people will look at you differently when you dress this way. Some might say they’re gawking in shame and horror, but I like to believe that this is just an intense focus in their eyes as they try to figure out the complex cutting and folding patterns you’ve used to put together your ensemble.

In my own experience, the paper wardrobe has brought nothing but joy to my life, and I think it’s about time that I shared it with the world. All you’ll need to get started is a fresh pack of your favorite paper, and some basic tools you probably have around the house. All that’s left to do then is count all of the money you save!

It really is that simple, and the savings are absolutely massive. Not that you’ll need the money anymore, but think of the cool scarves and patches you could make with a handful of crisp bills!

I know what you’re thinking: “Christoph, when I put my paper, scissors, and tape together, I get a freaky mutant demon instead of cool shades! Am I possessed by Satan?”

No, you’re just stupid, which is more reason to stay home and create your own clothing rather than bother employees at the mall. Just how do you go about creating those outfits? Well, all you really need is a little creativity and a lot of paper.

First, ready your sheet of paper. It should look something like this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next, fold it to look like a jacket:

Hint: fold it multiple times.

I used origami paper in that example because those jackets are, indeed, origami. To the novice this may seem like a complete waste of time, but in fact it can be very useful if you want to dress a tiny 2-dimensional person with very bad taste. Natalie Portman, for example.

Census data suggests that you are probably 3D, so I’ve got you freaks covered too. The masterpiece below required one pair of scissors, 49 sheets of paper, and like a zillion bits of tape stuck all over my house:

Keep in mind that the ferocious beast modeling for that shot has been trained professionally, and you should rarely want to dress wild bears yourself. It’s not only dangerous to you, but the bear will be tormented by his fellow forest creatures for the better years of his life. I have been asked in the past if the specimen pictured above is “real” or a “teddy” bear, and I can assure you that this is a Kodiak capable of picking up and eating entire bus loads of children.

His name is Gellar.

If you’re creatively dead inside, follow this simple shirt pattern and you’ll be on your way in no time at all:

Please note that b is a substitute for a, when needed, but both should not be used together under any circumstances.

If there was just one message I could give to the potential paper clothing designers of the future, I would tell them that condoms are not “clothing” and should never be experimented with in this way or made at home. I learned this the hard way, and though I am filthy rich from all of my savings and can easily support my twenty-seven bastard children, I have a severe case of carpal tunnel from all of the adorable little tissue paper booties those darn kids go through.

Remember, it’s up to you as an artist to decide what to wear and what not to wear. If you want to show up at my house tonight with but a simple paper bow on your penis, that is a perfectly fine effort, and you will be rewarded accordingly.

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Dealing With the Elderly

Christoph Malcolm on March 23rd, 2006 in Articles

A long time ago there was a jerk named Hitler, who decided it’d be nice if he could tell everyone in the world how they ought to run their lives and started killing pretty much anybody who thought that wasn’t such a hot idea. Well, he didn’t do much of the killing, actually, but he signed the checks. Hitler’s armies were defeated by the logical, sensible people of the world and there was much rejoicing. When everyone realized that they were no longer in immediate danger of being blown apart by a Panzer, they decided that it was safe to come out of hiding and start humping again. A whole generation of humanity started getting busy, and since the greatest generation liked it raw, they made lots of little kids. We call these kids “boomers” because of the percussive sound they make on the ground when they’re pushed out of airplanes.

Fast forward to the present: these boomers are getting old. This year, in fact, a whole lot of them will turn 60. Congratulations! You’re an anchor tied to the drowning ankles of society! Very soon, this generation of drooling geezers will have to be put in homes, where their butts will be wiped by aides and their carrots will be mashed by naturalized citizens. Unless the retirement age is pushed back significantly, even the world’s most successful economies will start choking on the pensions of the elderly.

What Can We Do to Stop This Wretched Menace?

The most effective way to stave off the effects of population aging seems to be pushing back the retirement age. Already menial jobs are being filled by the graying masses. Fries are being served by unskilled jerks that have 72 years of experience in the field of not speaking English. Car washes are hiring specialists who keep their jobs only because the skin on their forearms has become so wrinkly and loose that it doubles as a natural rag. If you’re below 30, you can look wistfully forward to 70 more years of grinding, torturous labor because grandpa wanted to play “Drop the Big One” in grandma’s big underwear.

When more and more of our nations’ coffers are pillaged by the insurance companies of the frail old bastards among us, other pressing needs will naturally receive less funding. For instance, innovations in oil research and technology will stagnate and the world supply will continue to dwindle. Energy prices will skyrocket and riots will spread across China like scabies are currently spreading across my right thigh. These crises need not be mutually exclusive. This is why I propose burning the elderly for electricity.

It is understandable that some of you may balk at filling our atmosphere with the pungent scent of cooked old people flesh and Ben Gay. For the squeamish, I might suggest that a fine way to balance out the enormous number of old people is to start making a lot more young people. For the sake of capitalism, free markets, and civilization, we need to stop being so picky and start multiplying. Fat people, ugly people, stupid people, one-legged people: anyone who’s got a crotch can multiply. Let’s get together and make another 11-odd billion of us to create the revenue for these coots’ Medicaid.

I’m So Angry at Old People! Is There No Outlet For My Rage?

It’s natural to hate the elderly. They move slow and in horizontal formations along the sidewalks. They play Scrabble constantly but never get any better at it. They fall over quite a lot. They leave the gas on in the apartment. They shit their pants and don’t even wake up to announce it. It’s completely natural, at times, to think, “Fuck the elderly.”

Of course, no one really wants to fuck the elderly. If you fucked some old granny out of revenge you’d maybe shatter her pelvis, in a best-case scenario. For that meager satisfaction, you’ll have to deal with the cold, wet, pruney flesh that rubs against you in your dreams. You’ll endure the taunts of friends and family who will call you “Granny-Porker.” That’s no way to vent your anger.

No, you need a creative, hands-off way to introduce a taste of comeuppance to the miserable aged in our midst. A global crisis of this magnitude calls for a taste of this generation’s own medicine: you can have your revenge through crass jokes and pranks.

These people invented youth culture and rock and roll. They also invented the “kick me” sign and the ever-popular donkey punch (circa 1952). Irony demands that these wrinkled troglodytes succumb to the powers of their own creation.

April Fool’s Day is almost upon us, and you can start practicing this year for the coming Gray Plague. Simply sneak into your neighborhood’s mausoleum-that-lives (or “retirement home”) and try your hand at one of countless classic gags.

But I’m not a creative Interweb writer! Can’t you tell me exactly what to do?

• Replace Elmer’s oxygen with a tank of concentrated fart.
• Coat the bottom of Edna’s shower with slick bacon grease.
• April 1st is on a Saturday. Start in July and call Martha’s family every Saturday to tell them she’s died until they stop believing you. Kill her on April 1st and let the family know.
• Hire World Series of Poker champion Phil Helmuth to show up and totally pwn all the residents on casino night.
• Switch the MapQuest directions for the monthly bus trip to Atlantic City with directions to the Hell’s Angels rally being held in the nearby Pine Barrens.
• Dissolve some Ex-Lax into Fred’s denture solution.
• Hide an American bald eagle in the social lobby whose specially-trained kill word happens to be “Bingo”.
• Find a war veteran who’s already had at least one minor heart attack and wake him from his after-lunch nap with a 21-gun salute.
• Set up an assisted suicide booth and substitute harmless pine air freshener for the death gas.
• Nothing says “the joke’s on you” like a toupee filled with writhing maggots.
• Mark a red line on the cafeteria door roughly six inches off the floor. Post a sign that says “Your boobs must sag this low to eat here.”
• Cut notches in Abner’s walker so he takes five steps before spilling himself all over the hard linoleum floor.
• Rig it so that when a resident pushes the emergency assistance bell by the nightstand a freight train’s horn blasts right above his head.
• Every time a visitor arrives, announce it to Old Captain Montgomery to remind him that no one ever visits him.
• Keep handing small items to the residents and “accidentally” dropping them on the floor during the pass. Don’t even pretend you’re going to bend down and pick the items up for them.
• Bolt all the bathroom doors shut and serve raisin bran and prune juice for brunch. Conveniently lose all but four adult diapers.
• Tell a group of old folks that there’s a cute little kitten stuck in a tree in the courtyard and ask for their help getting it down. Hand out salmon treats. When the group is in the courtyard, lock them in there with the mountain lion you’ve been starving for two days.
• Tell a senile woman that she’s dropped her wedding ring in the toilet and she’d better fish it out before it sinks too low. When she comes to her senses and can’t remember why she’s splashing around in toilet water, feel free to laugh and laugh.
• Replace all the large-print Reader’s Digest abridged novels with regular-print editions, and insist that it’s the same print size it’s always been.
• Hang Christmas ornaments from the old folks’ ear hair whenever they nod off.
• Take a close-up photo of the veins bulging out of Glenn’s back and convince the other residents that it’s a map for a scavenger hunt.
• Substitute bear traps for bedpans.
• Dress as a priest and read last rites to old people who seem perfectly fine.
• Burn the residents’ vegetable garden to the ground and salt the earth under its ashes.

Your mind is probably teeming with a bunch of its own ideas for crazy antics and madcap shenanigans at this point. Go! Walk among the fragile feebs and follow your heart. You’re doing God’s work every time you help inch an old person that much closer to Heaven.

Old People Scare Me. Tell Me It’ll Be All Right, Phil!

First of all, fuck your face. You don’t get to tell me what to do.

Second of all, it’ll be all right. Our top intelligence forces have been studying the decrepit enemy and have discovered their natural weaknesses.

To begin with, old people are physically fragile. If we decided to wage a full-blown war with them we could probably take most of them out with a first wave assault of Nerf footballs and slingshotted toothpaste. Our prime concern following that would be slipping around in the puddles of goo they create when they hit the ground and their papery skin bursts at the seams.

Also, the elderly are water-soluble. Leave an old woman in a tub of water for too long and she’ll just prune away into a singularity containing all the mass of a shrunken old bint. When the ice caps melt, nature will take care of our problem for us by dissolving the entire generation harmlessly away. There are two caveats. First, there’s going to be lots of water everywhere, transforming our world into a dystopian Kevin Costner-inspired quagmire. Also, any water you drink will have little subatomic bits of old man penis in it.

Finally, old people all have one thing in common: they’re about to die. I don’t know much in this mixed up, crazy world, but I know that humanity has a knack for persevering through harsh tribulations against staggering odds. Man walked on the moon. Man sailed around the world without engines. As God is my witness, Man has the temerity to wait until his parents die. Then, and only then, can we reclaim this land and our cut of the life insurance that is rightfully ours. Don’t look at the next twenty years as a time when we will be horribly burdened with the care of our elders. Look at the future as a time when we too will age, so that we may pass exponentially more grief onto our own children.

God bless you, and God bless your 401(k).

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