Interview with a Spampire (sorry)

The other day I recieved an instant message from a lovely young woman by the name of Lessie.

Lessie: hi there babe

Christoph: hello babe. do you have msn babe?

Lessie: yes. want to join me there

Christoph: ok babe. what’s your email addy?

Lessie: *****@hotmail.com

Christoph: added you. let me know babe

If you’ve been around the Internet a while, you know now as I knew then that I was talking to some form of porn spam. I had actually read this particular script before from more than a couple other models, so I was just doing my best to say everything she was about to a few seconds faster.

Christoph: how are you doing babe?

Lessie: well what can i say babe, i am as horny as hell

Christoph: me too babe, want to see my webcam?

Lessie: sure babe, but i can’t access mine

Christoph: That’s okay, I will send you my link: (I sent some other model’s referral link)
Christoph: Click and register for details. After you sign up my cam is open to you babe

Lessie: lol

I was expecting her to get really mad and say something hilarious so I could post it here, but when she actually laughed at that I knew we could have something much greater.

Christoph: Can I ask you something, seriously?

Lessie: sure hon

Christoph: Are you a) human, b) female, and c) not completely ugly?

Lessie: oh yes, do you want to see me?

Christoph: Not if it’s going to cost anything. I’d actually like to interview you, though, just a little.

Lessie: free for you. give me a sec and you can ask anything you want

Let this be a lesson to you all! Give spam a chance — or in this case, I guess just try to make spam look like a jackass — and you might find out that Spam is not a jackass, or even end up with Spam’s boobs in front of you. Not to mention, a totally interesting interview subject.

Christoph: How did you find out about the job?

Lessie: an advertisement caught my interest, so i tried it and i liked it

Christoph: So is this your first step into the world of adult entertainment?

Lessie: oh yes! and i enjoy doing it. i was studying before so this was interesting

My typing had slowed considerably by this point, but I pressed on with the interview.

Christoph: So where are you right now? Is it your own private little room in a gloriously phallic office tower? Describe the setting to me, slowly.

Lessie: well no, we are all together in a big room with about 50 computers, then when we get a client we transfer to another room to access the site computer where we have our toys and stuff

Christoph: You can humor me here if I’m wrong, but does that mean that there are times when it’s a room full of gorgeous, naked, writhing women?

Lessie: oh yes hon

Christoph: I can picture that both as being the best thing ever, and this totally unattractive surreal experience

Lessie: you would love to be here

Christoph: How many fake orgasms are taking place in the room right now?

Lessie: lol…. you are crazy

Christoph: Count them! Oh, won’t you please count them?

She would not count them. Out of fifty women, realistically less than half of them would be live with a client at any given moment, and of those you would be lucky if even a couple were in the middle of an orgasm. I’m not a very realistic person though, so I imagined she was the only one with her hands on the keyboard.

Christoph: Do you have a boyfriend? I ask because, you know, I’m creepy.

Lessie: not anymore, he could not handle my job

Christoph: That’s crap, I’d be proud as hell. I would tell all my friends that my girlfriend was this totally hot model on the Interweb, or if it bothered me I’d just register and take up all of your time as your best customer

Lessie: lol, you are so funny. he can’t handle other men seeing me naked i guess

Christoph: Were you heartbroken about it?

Lessie: not really, i found it unreasonable

Christoph: Do many people in your life know about your work?

Lessie: well only a few, immediate family mostly

Christoph: What do they seem to think of it?

Lessie: my family is so supportive about my job. but i have to have my costumes washed too and that gets a lot of stares at the laundry… lol

I’m going to be paying much more attention to my neighbors’ laundry in the future. Again, because I’m creepy. I’m extremely fucking creepy.

Lessie: brb i have to work don’t go away

Christoph: Deal

(three minutes pass)

Lessie: i am back

Christoph: That was a short session.

Lessie: oh it is ok he was an older guy lol

Christoph: The old guys don’t last so long?

Lessie: no they are so fast when they see a young firm body

I used to do tech support, and of course we mostly spent our breaks talking about how goddamn stupid everybody with a computer is. I can only imagine how much joy I would feel to be in a break lounge with thirteen nude models all insulting my dear friend and biggest fan, the CookieMan.

Christoph: Do you get a lot of totally fucked up guys?

Lessie: oh yes a lot of perverts too

Christoph: How do you deal with them?

Lessie: well this is the thing, if i encounter some guy who is too nasty or perverted for me… i pass him to another model who is into this kind of things

Christoph: So you just tell the guy straight up, “I’m not into that, but Monica’s a fuckin’ freak”

Lessie: yes, it is a nice way to put it, and they usually agree

Christoph: What about things that aren’t really perverted, but just kind of stupid? Like, if a guy asks you to hop on one foot and flap in futility like an evolving dinosaur?

Lessie: lol that’s never happened. at least not to me yet

Somebody needs to register specifically to ask her to do that. It won’t be me though, because I “finished the interview” a few messages back and just wanted to run out to the 7-Eleven and cool off with a refreshing drink.

Christoph: Do you like Slurpees?

Lessie: oh yes i do

Christoph: That’s totally hot in a girl. Do you mix flavors?

Lessie: no, i always get something red or pink

Christoph: Oh? I go for a little cream soda now and then, but darker sodas make for a wetter base so as not to have it drying up near the end of the journey. I thought everyone knew that.

With that, I left Lessie in peace, and scampered off to the Sev.

Really, she was such a good sport about everything that I’d like to end the post with a link to her profile, Angel8Teen. I don’t make any money from that link, but she does, and she totally deserves it for putting up with me.

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