When I Think About You I– OH GOD OH GOD!!!

I’ll start off by telling you that I’m not gay, and I haven’t been for some time. I am, however, absolutely terrified of attractive, nude women. Even ferociously ugly women, when nude, are to be avoided by me right now.

I wish it were something as simple as a personal crisis regarding my sexual identity. Sadly, my problem is a lot worse.

I… can’t masturbate.

Try to imagine a world in which you could not simply load up a website and gratify yourself on your lunch break. Horrifying, isn’t it? This is my new reality though, and it could happen to you as well. There is no need to panic; Random Salad isn’t going anywhere, so you may continue to masturbate to my hypertext at a leisurely rate, but if you don’t take the proper precautions now you could one day find yourself reduced to reading it for the articles!

The fucking articles!

To explain this, we’re going to need a little science. Please bear with me.

This is a brain:

That’s sort of like a brain, anyway. You’ll have to trust me on this one — it’s a brain, as one should look on any average day at any average moment. It’s waving to show you just how boring and typical this scenario is.

Meanwhile, this is a brain masturbating:

That might look a little weird to you, but I’m a man of science (I once ate part of a jellyfish to see if it was spicy) and I can assure you that whenever you touch your naughty places your brain spontaneously grows a fapping-arm to help you keep the beat.

When I jerk off, though, my brain does something completely different. It started about a week ago and it has only gotten worse with time. According to my doctor, these episodes are called “exertion migraines,” which are apparently very common.

If you don’t know much about migraines, basically your brain throws a hissy-fit like a teenage girl smoking pot, and just starts rolling around like, “OMG u guyz, omg no im SRSLY GUYS!”

It hurts like a motherfucker, and if you happen to be masturbating at the time it looks like this:

It’s not a pretty sight, but that’s what happens every time I get a decent erection. Every goddamn time. I can’t have sex with anything — and believe me, I’ve tried a wide variety of objects by now.

There are lots of things a person can do to prevent the headaches, but most of them would involve changing small aspects of my lifestyle that I have grown fond of. I have also considered surgery, but I haven’t yet been able to decide if I’d rather lose my penis or my brain.

One of the most common causes of exertion migraines is insomnia, so if you’re a stronger person than I then all you’ll have to do to avoid them is get yourself a good night’s rest. Now, masturbation is a great way to sign off for the evening, so even though I may have lost that ability and trapped myself in a vicious cycle of pain and sorrow, it’s not too late for you.

When you lie down tonight to go to sleep, reach deep into your blankets and do what needs to be done to ensure your continued good health. Even if you don’t like to do it very often, or if you think that Jesus will tear off your testicles if you do it twice in a week, you never know what you have until it’s gone. You must masturbate for the right to masturbate.

Be careful, though, or you may wind up cumming through your ears.

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