Ridiculously Awesome Insects

If you had told me about some of these bugs I probably wouldn’t have believed you. These tiny, fascinating creatures are abominations of nature, which I had no idea existed until, of course, I decided to write an article about insects I had no idea existed.

The definition of “awesome” insects here varies from bugs that are legitimately interesting, to just absolutely terrifying. In the latter case I may simply scream like a little girl for a few paragraphs. Either way, it should prove entertaining.

Join me on my journey. We begin with a dancing strand of hair.

Gordian Worm

Class: What the fuck?
Skills: Mind Control, Being Eaten
Finishing Move: Suicide via Cricket

I discovered the Gordian Worm in a face-to-face encounter, most of which I spent trying to determine whether or not it was actually alive. It was about two feet long, only slightly thicker than a human hair, and repeatedly lifted its front half straight up into the air to do a little dance. I thought at first that it might just be a hair blowing around in the wind, but its graceful swaying quickly charmed me into accepting it as life.

As it turns out, it was trying to get me to eat it so that it could drown me. Which is a little rude, I have to say. It would much rather be eaten by a Cricket, though, so I figure it was getting a bit desparate and I don’t really hold it against the little guy.

The Gordian Worm dances to bait insects into ingesting it, in order to take advantage of their mobility by — I’m being serious now — shoving a tendril into their brains and siezing control of their motor functions. Once this is accomplished, they will drive their pimped out Cricket-mobiles to the nearest source of water, drown them, crawl out of their assholes and go for a swim.

Such is the life of the Gordian Worm. You may find it odd, but try to be more accepting of other cultures.

Twisted-Wing Parasite

Class: Sexual Deviant
Skills: Entering Bees
Finishing Move: Staying in Bees

I thought for our next specimen I should pick something more glamorous, so as not to scare away the random Internet riff-raff who stumble their way over here looking for naked pictures of underage celebrities. It’s another parasite, but I promise that this one won’t come out of anything’s anus.

The Twisted-Wing Parasite is born inside of its host, typically a Bee or a Wasp. Male and female alike will escape the host (through the abdomen, not the anus), upon which females seek out a host of their own, while males sniff around for females who are hanging their genitals out of Bees.

See? Still no anuses. This one’s pretty tame, right?

So, once the male locates a female’s Bee-dangled genitals, which happen to be behind her head, he begins to skull-fuck her as quickly as he can before dying, as the male Twisted-Wing can only expect to get a good five hours of skull-fucking out of his life. Nine months later all of the infected bees gather together, light up some stogies, and marvel at the miracle of life as larvae begin to crawl out of their bellies through the hole dad left in mom’s head.

It’s kind of beautiful.

Pussy Moth

Class: Adorable
Skills: Aww!
Finishing Move: Kawai! ^.^ kekeke

Okay, it’s time to get off of the parasites and pick a winner. The Pussy Moth has everything going for it, and I really don’t think I need to spell this out for you. Look at that picture and tell me that you don’t just want to pick it up, scratch it under the chin and rub it all over your face.

Apparently some people do just that upon meeting their first Pussy Moth, and if you asked them about it they probably wouldn’t think it was all that cute anymore. You see, its fur is loaded with tiny, venomous spines.

If you come into contact with a Pussy Moth you can expect extreme, radiating pain traveling up your limbs, as well as “burning, swelling, nausea, headache, abdominal distress, rashes, blisters, and sometimes chest pain, numbness, or difficulty breathing.”

Kawai! ^.O OH JESUS FUCK ME!!~1##

Assassin Bug

Class: Total Douchebag
Skills: Liquification, Sticky Fingers
Finishing Move: Lethal Injection

Yeah, this thing wants to hurt you, but at least it’s upfront about it (I’m looking at you, Pussy Moth). The Assassin Bug is even brazen enough to brag about its contempt for all creatures in its name, and it’s most certainly not bluffing.

Most Assassin Bugs are quite small, but even the runts can boast a very powerful beak which, you guessed it, hurts like all hell when shoved deep into the bodies of unsuspecting victims. They don’t often prey upon humans, but when they do it’s been said that they have one of the most painful bites of all insects, and their favorite target happens to be the soft and thin flesh of sleeping eyelids.

Where the Assassin Bug starts to get really awesome is when it begins to digest its meal, because it has the rare ability to begin that process before ingesting any of it. Through its aforementioned beak it injects a poison which liquifies the insides of its prey, to be sucked out through the same tube like a nice, smooth milkshake.

The name was awarded due to their lightning-quick strikes and sticky limbs which give potential meals very little hope of escape, and enable them to bring down creatures much larger than themselves, but I still think a better name might have been The I WILL FUCKING LIQUIFY YOUR INSIDES… Bug, because I don’t really care how quickly it moves if the end result is slushy innards.

Tree Ants

Class: Clever
Skills: Creating elaborate death traps
Finishing Move: Dismemberment

You don’t necessarily think of ants as being brutal killing machines, but quite a few species can be downright vicious about it. The Tree Ant in particular seems to take some sadistic joy out of an artful kill.

One thing most people do know about ants is that they work well in teams, and these guys are no different. They work together to construct a platform with a series of holes running through it, forming a symbiotic relationship not only with the tree they dwell upon but with the fungus they grow to use as a glue in order to hold their little world together. It’s pretty neat, I have to say.

What’s neater though is that when a much larger insect should happen to travel through their village, they lie in wait to grab ahold of its legs and pull them in and out of their system of holes, sewing them to the tree and — as most insects only stretch so far — effectively pulling them apart. After further dismemberment, the insect’s parts are carried back to the nest for dinner.

Driver Ants

Class: Legion
Skills: Walking
Finishing Move: HALP HAL– *choke*

As dangerous as Tree Ants may be to other insects, they’re pretty pathetic when faced with a human foe. Not so for our next species, Driver Ants, who have been known not just to cause a little pain or irritation, but to actually kill people.

The life of a Driver Ant is pretty much just a whole lot of walking. Sounds fairly pedestrian (ba-dum psht!) but when you consider that there can be up to Fifty Million of them in a column, it gets a little frightening. Luckily, if you see an army of Drivers marching towards you, stepping slightly to the left will be enough to save your life.

Now, should you happen to be sleeping, you’re pretty much fucked. It’s not actually uncommon for the path of a column of Driver Ants to lead through one unfortunate soul’s home, and if they should traverse your pillow one night you stand a good chance of being suffocated. Once that happens they throw all tact out the window and consume your entire body. Believe it or not, this happens.

Wolf Spider

Class: GAH!
Skills: GAAHH!!
Finishing Move: GAAAHHH!!!

As big a threat as the marching menace of Driver Ants may pose, no creature on this earth can strike fear into my heart quite as dependably as the common Wolf Spider.

Do they do anything particularly fascinating? Well, not really, no. They just sort of wander around looking for things to kill, and aren’t anywhere near ambitious enough to think that includes people. They lead simple lives, and try to keep to themselves.

However, I would argue that they are notable if only due to the impact they have had on my life. Just last week I saw one running across the floor with every intention of getting under my couch, but within a millisecond of its emergence from my bathroom I was already reaching for a book, which was then hurled across the room and successfully destroyed the target with only inches to spare before its mission of being under my sofa would have been accomplished.

I don’t even want to think about what would have happened had I missed. The idea of a Wolf Spider being in my house and not dead is enough to warrant finding a new apartment, and either torching this one or just leaving my stuff behind. If I see a Wolf Spider and fail to kill it, I can never enter that room again without fearing its presence.

Seriously, there is nothing more terrifying than the Wolf Spider.

House Centipede

Class: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Skills: HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Finishing Move: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I TAKE IT BACK! I TAKE IT BACK! THE WOLF SPIDER IS CUTE LIKE KITTENS, BUT WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING?!

Jesus, I’m going to have to delete the website or something. I’m not going anywhere near that picture. Scroll down, Christoph, scroll down.

Shit, still there.

That’s better. What you just witnessed is something science refers to as the “House Centipede”, which is some kind of a sick joke really, because the implication that they are commonly found in people’s houses can’t possibly be true with the current nationwide homeless rates being safely beneath the 100% mark.

I’d say more but there’s no power on this earth that could get me to do any research on these things. Moving on.

Goliath Beetle

Class: Huge
Skills: Weighing a lot
Finishing Move: None

Now this I can deal with. It’s merely a beetle the size of a kitten. You know, for some reason bigger insects are actually a lot less intimidating.

The aptly-named Goliath Beetle is, in fact, the world’s largest insect — or at least the heaviest, because nerds tend to argue about how these honors are defined. In any case, it’s a very, very big bug.

The gentle giant is a vegetarian, feeding on leaves and wood as larvae, and eating various fruits and tree sap in its adult stage. Once fully grown, its only goal is to find a mate and die, which is kind of sad. Too many insects fail to embrace their individuality and potential for personal growth.

As harmless as Goliath is, the thought of it in flight spooks me just a tad. I don’t even want to think of what it would sound like. It’s good to know though that bugs of this size are of the non-violent sort.

Hercules Beetle

Class: Huge and Pointy
Skills: Weighing a lot and beating you up
Finishing Move: Ending this article

The Hercules Beetle may not be the largest bug out there, but it’s one of the longest beetles and, without a doubt, the strongest creature on the planet pound-for-pound.

Like Goliath, Hercules’ diet is mostly made up of fruit. However, and this is a key difference, Hercules is well prepared to defend himself with his giant, incredibly strong horn. It’s designed for fighting other beetles, but do you want to find out what it feels like in your ankle? I don’t.

Its legendary strength is really quite impressive. This guy can lift more than 850 times its own body weight. I’m not very good with math, but weighing in at around three ounces that means the typical Hercules Beetle can probably knock your girlfriend over, with the ability to haul about 160 pounds.

I really can’t imagine a better end to this article than girls being knocked over and carried away by beetles. If you think you can trounce my awesome insects, do share with the group in the comments.

Just, please, no unlabeled links to pictures of centipedes.

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