The Paper Wardrobe

Christoph Malcolm on April 17th, 2006

Printable clothing is the latest fad on this page, of this website. Everybody who is anybody is doing it — from me, to my cat, and back to me again — it’s taking my room by storm!

I started doing this a few months ago when my less-flammable clothing caught fire, teaching me just how misleading the term “less flammable” is, and why the heck should a guy bother trying once the world throws him a curve ball like that? I decided to toss fire-retardation out the window in exchange for regular retardation, and put together this fantastic tiara for a social gathering:

It wasn’t long before I was wearing construction paper shoes with toilet paper socks, and dancing the night away in flowing gowns made entirely of Kleenex, with paper prostitutes, contracting only a few minor cuts. My father won’t speak to me, but I’ve never felt so alive as the first time I took to the dance floor in white onion-skin paper panties.

It’s true that people will look at you differently when you dress this way. Some might say they’re gawking in shame and horror, but I like to believe that this is just an intense focus in their eyes as they try to figure out the complex cutting and folding patterns you’ve used to put together your ensemble.

In my own experience, the paper wardrobe has brought nothing but joy to my life, and I think it’s about time that I shared it with the world. All you’ll need to get started is a fresh pack of your favorite paper, and some basic tools you probably have around the house. All that’s left to do then is count all of the money you save!

It really is that simple, and the savings are absolutely massive. Not that you’ll need the money anymore, but think of the cool scarves and patches you could make with a handful of crisp bills!

I know what you’re thinking: “Christoph, when I put my paper, scissors, and tape together, I get a freaky mutant demon instead of cool shades! Am I possessed by Satan?”

No, you’re just stupid, which is more reason to stay home and create your own clothing rather than bother employees at the mall. Just how do you go about creating those outfits? Well, all you really need is a little creativity and a lot of paper.

First, ready your sheet of paper. It should look something like this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next, fold it to look like a jacket:

Hint: fold it multiple times.

I used origami paper in that example because those jackets are, indeed, origami. To the novice this may seem like a complete waste of time, but in fact it can be very useful if you want to dress a tiny 2-dimensional person with very bad taste. Natalie Portman, for example.

Census data suggests that you are probably 3D, so I’ve got you freaks covered too. The masterpiece below required one pair of scissors, 49 sheets of paper, and like a zillion bits of tape stuck all over my house:

Keep in mind that the ferocious beast modeling for that shot has been trained professionally, and you should rarely want to dress wild bears yourself. It’s not only dangerous to you, but the bear will be tormented by his fellow forest creatures for the better years of his life. I have been asked in the past if the specimen pictured above is “real” or a “teddy” bear, and I can assure you that this is a Kodiak capable of picking up and eating entire bus loads of children.

His name is Gellar.

If you’re creatively dead inside, follow this simple shirt pattern and you’ll be on your way in no time at all:

Please note that b is a substitute for a, when needed, but both should not be used together under any circumstances.

If there was just one message I could give to the potential paper clothing designers of the future, I would tell them that condoms are not “clothing” and should never be experimented with in this way or made at home. I learned this the hard way, and though I am filthy rich from all of my savings and can easily support my twenty-seven bastard children, I have a severe case of carpal tunnel from all of the adorable little tissue paper booties those darn kids go through.

Remember, it’s up to you as an artist to decide what to wear and what not to wear. If you want to show up at my house tonight with but a simple paper bow on your penis, that is a perfectly fine effort, and you will be rewarded accordingly.

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