How to Wipe Your Ass
Christoph Malcolm on March 1st, 2007
I don’t remember being shown how to wipe my ass. My mother never knelt in front of me on the toilet and coached me on my form, and I should hope that your parents showed similar restraint. In theory, this is something that we learn through trial and error — even if we don’t remember it — and it is very likely that every person has developed his or her own masterful variation on any number of possible techniques.
I was curious, so I began to ask around. I posed the question to a couple good friends of mine, and my suspicions were confirmed when each of them came back with an entirely different answer. I decided to dig deeper, asking people via email, message boards, and eventually the Starbucks where my girlfriend works, all to ask the question: how do you wipe your ass?
The Techniques
Girls are supposed to wipe from front to back so we don’t lodge any whats-it in our hoo-hoos, you know? Also, it depends on the situation, because it’s not all poop with girls, you see, so sometimes one swift swipe will do. Occasionally I’ll do a weird standing-squat sort of thing, reach around, and wipe from front to back. It depends on my mood, what kind of excrement I’m dealing with, and if I’m in a hurry. I employ a great many techniques.
Meet my girlfriend. She says she does a “weird standing-squat,” but I would have to see this to even begin to comprehend, and so far she hasn’t let me watch. I’m sure it’s incredibly unattractive, but I’m all about science.
Between the legs, back to front. Never even considered there might be another way. Now, I will experiment.
Most of my initial interest in this topic was focused on this “back to front” business. It just doesn’t make sense, to me, that a person would do this and never once think, “gee, what if I tried not pushing feces towards my genitals?” Disgustingly intriguing, Joey.
I have my own folding technique with the toilet paper, and I’m a bit obsessive-compulsive, so I wipe a lot. Front to back, back to front… it depends on the dump.
Dozer, like Kim, has a unique method for different situations. I had never thought of this before, but it does sort of make sense. Dozer also wipes back-to-front, so we have two in each column already (standers / men with dirty balls), but at least he doesn’t stand.
I stand up. If I sat down I might tilt too far and fall off, or… well, who knows.
When a person is seated, their cheeks are spread as much as possible for optimal access to the target area, and I would presume that when you stand up there would be some clenching, the effects of which I’m sure could be disastrous in the wrong hands. Apparently, though, this is quite popular.
Sometimes I sit backwards on the toilet. To spice things up, I suppose. Anyway, Front to back.
This got me curious enough to try it, and it’s actually quite doable, and kind of nice. You can fold your arms on the toilet tank and rest your head, or take a nap even. Why not? I can see myself lasting longer on the toilet with Kim’s DS this way.
I am the same as you: tilt forward, lift right butt cheek, front to back, repeat until paper is white.
That’s almost my method, but I actually don’t look at the toilet paper. I used to take four passes at it, but I’m down to three now because the toilet in my apartment now clogs too easily. I’ve yet to have a problem with just three wads of paper, so I consider it a win for the environment.
I do it by reaching in between my open legs, while sitting. Legs wide open while seated means maximum spread. Also, you can get a good look-see at your accomplishment. This look-see is important, because you need to see what came out for a source of information on how you body is doing. Good eating habits and good health will lead to consistent poops. Poop variations can be visually analyzed for diagnostic purposes before being covered with paper.
I would say there was no way this could be an honest answer, but I know Dexter and I’m pretty sure he’s dead serious about this.
Remaining seated, lift right cheek, wipe forward and back until the sheets are white.
I would never have guessed that so many people checked the toilet paper after they wiped. Seriously, I would rather have trace elements of fecal matter in my ass than held up in front of my face.
I do the half-sit, half-squat thing, and I wipe back to front.
Not the first person to admit to wiping back-to-front, but it’s important to note that this is the first female, which just isn’t right at all. I can only hope that this study will help to alert her future suitors.
A college friend from Columbia said she had to put out “The Spoon” when her parents came to visit, ’cause they wouldn’t use toilet paper. Apparently this is more of a wedge that is used to scrape out the excrement. “The Spoon” is kept in a little tray on the back of the toilet.
The implication here of course is that a family shares just one spoon, making this both the most disgusting and most awesome thing I’ve heard in all of my interviews with strangers about poop.
The Results
Over the span of two months, with a little help from some friends, we were able to collect enough data to, at last, justify creating a spreadsheet. Our combined efforts earned us the ass-wiping information of over 250 people all over the world, the results of which are quite disturbing. How many people do you think wipe back-to-front? If you’re anything like me, you’re probably way, way off.
Women (74)
Men (185)
Combined (259)
Standing:
Sitting:
Back to Front:
Front to Back:
The most noteworthy thing here is that women in our little study stand more often than they sit. I should point out that we added anybody who said they sometimes stood/squatted to the “standing” list, so that isn’t entirely accurate. The direction with which people wipe ought to be pretty spot-on though, and I am ashamed for my entire gender to learn that 40% of men wipe back-to-front.
I figured there would be some variation to our ass-wiping styles, but I never would have imagined the results to be as close as they are. Hopefully I’ve been able to open somebody’s eyes to mistakes they’ve been making since childhood, or shown you some exciting new additions to add to your routine.
And seriously, try sitting backwards. You’ll thank me later.
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March 2nd, 2007 at 11:09 pm
What about the toilet paper? Wad? Fold?