Fashion Update

I’m not ashamed to admit that I have no fashion sense what-so-ever. I mean, I liked Bjork’s swan dress (though the Bjork swan dress furry slash fiction put me off doing Google searches for pretty much the rest of my life).

That said, I’ve been writing a lot about music lately and I’ve discovered that there are four basic fabrics used in making costumes for bands.

1) Leather

I should specificy “leather and products that simulate leather,” since many rock stars try to be animal friendly.

I’ve always wondered what the attraction of leather is. Its not something that’s especially comfortable to wear (unless, I suppose, you’re in someplace especially cold). I’ve asked my leather wearing friends why they wear it.

“For safety.”

Presumably, they mean while riding on their “hogs,” as motorcycle enthusiasts say. You know, when I go into an area with high radioactivity, I put on one of those shiny metal suits. I don’t continue to wear that suit after I leave the area. Wearing one’s “safety” jacket when one is no longer in any danger seems silly.

I suppose rock and roll is so dangerous that one needs to wear one’s leather clothes at all time.

2) Lace

Specifically puffy lace. Lace looks great on antique dining tables, but it seems sort of functionally useless on clothes. Big floppy swaths of lace are more likely to get caught in the string of your bass than not.

Furthermore, it make artist wearing lace look sort of delicate and antique like. I guess that’s the point?

3) Vinyl

I could undrstand this when records were still pressed on vinyl. It was sort of a way of reminding people “buy our albums – which are pressed from the same material we are wearing.”

I suppose now that digital media are all the rage, nudity would serve the same function, though I think dangling flesh is as likely to get caught in the strings of your bass as lace.

Anyhow, vinyl is suppossed to be “sexy.” Presumably because it feels smooth and doesn’t sweat. Maybe because it feels like you have a condom all over your body and condoms, of course, equal sex.

When I see somebody all dressed in tight vinyl, the first thing I think of is the noise that it must make when they peel it off their sweaty – likely stinky – body. It would sound like “swthhhhp.” Sometimes, when I listen to the music of somebody wearing all vinyl, I spend time trying to lister for that sound sampled and repeated in the background music. I swear, that sound is there.

4) Black Stuff

I refer to the color black.

Black is slimming, but also makes people think of death and ninjas, both of which are “cool” images for fans of rock.

Also, black is pretty good at hiding spills or sweat. Its lousy at hiding dandruff, though, and historically, rock musicians are notorious for being dirty so I’m guessing that might be a problem for more than one.

Anyhow, this update is presented as a public service.

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